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Well, Pete, the saga drags on.

Remains difficult, but, I have been silent on the whole mess except to a friend from hs that lives in another city, never met hubby, doesn't know other guy. More of an impartial observer that knows me from way back. He's on my side.

I'm not saying crap to the other guy. Too much downside. If it's meant to be, it shall be. A few months, a year, small price to pay to see if it happens naturally. Frightening him away is a bad idea, I'll need his friendship.

It's been fortuitous that we've both been busy so no real buddy chat time. Distance is good right now. I'll see him soon for taxes but I can handle that.

I keep being ready to have That Talk with hubby, then something comes up. Someone calls, something happens... don't want to do it right before we see friends. Mom is coming by. SH1T! I have concluded that there is NOT A GOOD TIME to tell someone you want out. All that you can do is make yourself crazy thinking that The Right Moment will appear. and maybe it has. a couple of times I have heard in my head "but I want a divorce" and have not been able to say it. so, will apologize for delay, and let him know I've felt like a heel.

Had wanted to wait for employment, but, that is taking dreadfully long and spring break is dragging on forever with slow employer response. For my own stress level, I need to have that discussion with him. he seems so happy right now, I hate to torpedo it! But, come on, would I rather kick him when he's down? no. I have to burst his current happy bubble. He'll be on the downswing way too soon.

Been working out a ton as it helps with stress. It used to clear my head but that doesn't seem to be happening quite enuf.

I have drafted what I consider a reasonable settlement, given the impossibility of selling the house or really buying him out. I'm the one with the lucrative job and fat retirement account that I will likely have to slice up.

As I've been working on our taxes, I'm educating myself on the divorce ramifications and will have to decide if we'll be better off divorcing this year or next. Without a job, hard to determine any of that and may incur big debt (doubt it, I'm getting interviews). Without a job, he can't move out as we can't support 2nd household. Separating would have to be in emotional terms only for months.

so why bring it up now?

I guess it is now all about me and I need to make my intentions known, whatever the impact on teh recipient of the news. We've maintained an uneasy alliance all these years, I think we can manage it a bit longer. We live on different sides of the clock, we barely share a bed now (part of the reason I don't want this relationship any longer).

I need to unburden myself. That's really teh bottom line, I cannot carry this longer. It will be easier to move forward if we are on the same page and agree to work together to move on. It will be easier to get the reactions out of the way and dealt with. It will be easier once we have that talk, and the ones that follow it. I keep telling myself that it will be easier. It will be, as time passes.

I do not know where my emotional reserves will come from, but come they must. If it gets bad, well, at least I have some Crown set back for special occasions.

He's not a danger to me, more a danger to himself. THis is why I've been careful in when I tell him.

A lot of people will be hurt. Like not knowing that we're not a great couple is some personal affront to them. The surprise nature. well, tough crap, I get to keep my personal life personal. Sorry for the surprise, what do you want?

I do not look forward to those Pity Looks or "if you need to talk" offers. I mean, it's nice, it's supportive, but I generally keep my own counsel. I don't want to give people details of our life. And I don't have to.

won't be getting drunk every night or whoring it up, either. I plan to work on my house and work on myself. and, spend lots of quality time with my dog. I don't expect to cry over pints of ice cream or any of that. I'm looking forward to my future freedom!

I don't know what job I will have or how much money I will make or how soon I can get this guy out of my house, but, in due course, I shall be a divorced woman.

and just need to muster up the courage to take that first step.
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