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Subject:  Re: Funding Care for My Mother Date:  2/23/2004  5:34 PM
Author:  cliff666 Number:  8994 of 23103

ResNullis: My mother developed Alzheimer's about 7 years after my father died. When she reached the point of not being able to live alone, we found a retirement home for her to live in for as long as she was able to live with that level of structure. This was not an assited care place, just a regular retirement home that served meals and such. She was able to live there for 5 more years, and she had a reasonably decent quality of life during those years.

What would a "retirement home" be called if I look in the yellow pages? How are they different from assisted living? In the L.A. area, the retirement homes seem to mostly be assisted living, with the degree of assistance scaled to the needs of the resident. My mother is 88, and spring loaded against any mention of assisted living. There is a nice assisted living place only 1/2 mile from her home (in north Texas), but she won't consider it, even gets upset if anyone suggests it. She is afraid of being rejected socially, if I understand her. Not that that is what she says, but I think that is at the root of it. Worse, she can make that sort of thing (rejection) happen, I'm afraid. She can be even more obnoxious and unsociable than I am. lol (I hope!) She refuses to pronounce it "assisted" living, and says "assistant" living. Her other nightmare is that it will be like a nursing home. Nothing will dent her fixation on this. When she doesn't say "assistant living", she says "nursing home".

Her house is a mess. She eats mainly leftovers from when someone takes her out to dinner*, and she shouldn't be driving. She depends on my sister (who lives nearby) for a lot of things, and is basically driving sis nuts.

This is starting to look like a plea for help, so I'll just say it: How can we (sis, bro, and I) break down her phobia against assisted living? I agree with the posts here that say to get her into a retirement (assisted living) home while she can still assimilate. We desperately want her to stop driving, to eat properly, and to have a cleaner, better maintained environment. Money is not an issue. At her age, her funds will last longer than she will, and my sister and I can care for her financially if need be, but neither of us could have her in the house, if you understand this.

Any suggestions?

*Joke time: I claim that mom fed the family for 30 years on left overs. The original meal has never been found. I forget the source of the quip.
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