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Subject:  Re: Settlement Date:  1/8/2013  12:55 PM
Author:  cabinsmama Number:  306658 of 312987

Just chiming in here, having had adult kids live at home before...

Every family's different. I (as a parent) probably wouldn't enter into something that loose, asking my kid to help out with what's on the shopping list, eating out, and their own expenses, but it would depend on what everybody expected to get out of this arrangement.

If the goal was for the kid to move into their own place, I'd want a good chunk of change as rent, to get them used to paying their own living expenses, and to put back for deposits and such later, to facilitate them moving out. And I'd be very clear that it wasn't "rent" as much as a tool to gather them a stake, and to discourage getting used to "extra money."

I wouldn't want my kid to get the idea that since they paid for the space, they could live just like they would if we weren't under the same roof.

And that sounds awful...I know one of ours complained bitterly about our "rules" about no computer after 11:00 on weekdays, and oh, his internet friends said we were horrible, and didn't we realize he was an adult, and who the heck were we to infantilize him, etc.

The computer room was right next to our bedroom. The clicking keyboard, light from the monitor, getting up at 2:00 to rummage for a snack, interfered with our sleep every single night (that we allowed it). But that part, the reason for why we had these "rules"...that never got shared with friends. We weren't trying to keep him a child...we just wanted a *******decent night's sleep on work nights. He could have been paying us $1000 a month. We still would have wanted things "our way" in some areas.

If my kid had goals, like living on their own, but kept doing behaviors that were against those goals, I'd probably get pretty pushy about "well, what are you doing with your money?? I want to see some evidence every month that you're doing what you agreed to do. If you're buying widgets instead of working towards your goals, we have a problem."

Even if the widgets might be income-producing, or worth a lot of money some day. I think I'd be saying "buy your appreciating widgets when you've met your goal of being out on your own. This isn't the time and it's not our agreement."

Now, if the deal is that the kid moved in to keep me from hiring a live-in caregiver or something, that's different. And I might say "forget about rent. Help me with my health problems, and buy some groceries and meals, and it's win-win." But I'd want that to be real clear up front.

Not sure about the bank statement thing under those circumstances. In general, if a kid (and I'm talking anyone in the next generation, regardless of age) is asking me to look at their financials and give advice, I'm going to point out what I see as a problem. And if my money is going to said kid's expenses, it's going to be hard to bite my tongue when I see money spent on things I don't understand.

Families can agree to all kinds of quirky things to function, and that's great. But when either party starts changing things (and I have no idea what the original agreement was, or what context it was in) there's going to be problems.

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