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Subject:  Misc. Friday checking in Date:  12/27/2013  5:45 PM
Author:  slowlythere Number:  14967 of 15019

Hi folks, hope everyone's good.

Just airing, sharing, etc.

Today is a symbolic hard day for me. I struggle to find ways not to go out much, but did go out a bit a few times so far. And my week hasn't been so good, but I'm struggling. Not just because of the holiday on the 25th, which I don't really celebrate in any real way. But knowing that it is, at the least, a cultural holiday and I have never felt a real part of it, doesn't help. It has not been a good week.

Not least, trying not to be angry and venting at people - even if only privately to myself. I have been ignoring telephone calls, especially from the codependent people I know. And one of the current users-manipulators, a woman, called me, I let it go to voicemail. And I nearly went off as I listened to the voicemail. Struggling to not let my angry side take over.

An odd moment outside. I was at the supermarket buying some beer (cheap malt liquor, a couple of 40's, TYVM)j and had a cashier who recognizes me by face. She smiled at me, one customer away. She's great with eye contact. And when I gave her my transactions, she asked me, with real eye contact which the cashiers normally never do, "How are you?" And seriously wanted to know, with that pause and eye contact that, you know, normally people don't do when they are just saying it, not really asking it.

And I was sort, of bleh, confused, not expecting the question, and she repeated it, "How are you?" like she meant it. And waited for me to respond.

And I lied and said I was okay, or something, with the fake smile and awkward shrug.

But, you know, it felt really good that someone seemed to be concerned about me. But first, that they even noticed something was up.

And knowing this, it makes me feel so unbelievably pathetic.

Hate being so conflicted. But I am.

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