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Subject:  Re: Misc. Friday checking in Date:  12/30/2013  1:31 PM
Author:  slowlythere Number:  14969 of 15022

Hi board and thanks joycets.

I was planning to check in with the board and saw your post. Appreciate the invitation to email. I go back and forth within myself if it is purposeful to post on the board, or otherwise.

No doubt the board here may understand I have more problems other than depression. For me, though, depression is the dominant force controlling how, and if, I handle the rest of my problems and particularly whenever some event, or interaction, strikes me, whether subjectively good or bad.

A personal issue I have been wrestling with for 1-2 months is the recognition that am socially dysfunctional and have unhealthy interpersonal relationships. In plainer words, I tend to attract, or be attracted to, people with significant emotional or mental dependencies, I am codependent to them, we encourage and foster unhealthy mental and emotional traits. Knowing this, I am struggling with ending, reducing, or severely distancing myself from certain people and relationships, but this means I am more isolated in different ways. Thus a simple interaction with a service person in a retail establishment can become unusually meaningful (whether mutual, or just from my perspective). I know and believe there are true introverts in the world who do not need the same level of interpersonal contact as some others do, I just don't know what my limits are, but more importantly, don't know what is healthy and normal (emphasis on the former) human relationships.

With the New Year less than two days away, I've run out of beer money, LOL. That's a good thing because when I'm just middling depressed, alcohol is a stabilizing crutch. When I'm darker and deeper, alcohol will suck me lower. Yesterday afternoon, I was just finishing my last beer and brooding when I got an unexpected call from a friend who I had promised to help with something (to do on the internet) and he was going to swing by. His call and soon arrival helped perk me up for several hours.

So I'm glad, now, I have no more beer money and am planning a sober New Years.

One of my other popular methods for dealing is sleeping. My mattress has been overused lately, but a moderately better alternative to drinking. More sleeping over the course of 24 hours, but more interrupted sleep. I think it has been rare when I've slept more than two hours, uninterrupted. I usually go back to sleep quickly.

My memory and interests have - of course - declined significantly and I kept a writing pad near me to jot things down I am trying to remember.

At the same time, I have certain real life activities or ongoings still, but trying to keep things in perspective. Most (virtually all) of my real life people have no clue my mental state. I've never been good at seeking help of any type, but even worse at getting support. This is largely due to my expectation of reciprocity with aforementioned unhealthy, socially dysfunctional people and hence a vicious cycle.

But venting, or sharing in a forum like this, I'm a little better.

For the next few days, into the New Year, I am focusing on trying to stay focus. The scribbles on the writing pad will remind me. Also a mini-project for myself is to engage myself to do something physically, anything from going out for a walk when I can summon the organizational skills to get dressed and coordinated for an outdoor walk, or more simply to just staying home and going through piles of stuff. Just sorting, even if not actual cleaning or whatever, but something to engage my hands and eyes. None of this may restart any interests, but just doing activity other than being glazed out in front of the computer, playing games. (This helps pass the time, but leaves me frustrated and more morose as I see it as a time waster.)

Main hope for the New Year is an intensive search for mental health services as I haven't been in therapy, or professional care, in too long, largely due to confusion and difficulty with benefits & eligibility.

But even sleeping at home is fine. I don't see it as a time waster compared to online games since, at least, sleeping is both necessary and can be restorative.

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