Ok, I got curious enough to read "that thread" and there is something from that thread that I object to(I'm still working my way through the thread, but this struck a nerve so I'm replying)5MinMajor said:"Don't seek out his faults. He has plenty I am sure. But don't be critical of them. Accept him for who he is. And accept yourself for who you are."I disagree. Partially.A great source of stress in my relationship with my wife comes from accepting faults and not being critical of them.This was ESPECIALLY true during that initial "She's perfect" period of emotional high time.What I found, for the both of us, is that we would 'accept' a large number of 'faults' and pretend they don't exist. We'd even fool ourselves into thinking they don't exist at times.Than the inevitable happens. One inevitable is the person would do something just once too often(say be late to meet somewhere and not call). And the other party goes ballistic! Just crazy. "Why are you never on time!" "I hate not knowing what is going on!" Wheras to the offending party, the impression is that the partner has gone NUTS. They NEVER complained before, so why are they complaining now? Are they looking for an excuse to break up? Are they taking out their resentments on me? To make matters WORSE, rather than address the issue(oh, I gueass this is important to you), the offender is feeling so defensive that they would end up just passively taking the abuse to move on, mouthing apologies and sympathy, while chalking the entire episode up as the offended party being "unreasonable" so there is no need to actually CHANGE habits. The solution is simple, "If Woody had gone to the police, this would have never happened!", or to put it plainly, don't suppress problems, point them out at the time so they don't come as a suprise later. And also so they can be pointed out reasonable and addressed. For example, "I hate when your late and don't call me!"--"I'm sorry it bothers you, but I often get wrapped up in things, and then I'm running a little late. I hate stopping to call and making myself even later"--"Ok, I can accept being 5 to 10 minutes late, but if you know your more than 10 minutes late, I want a call"--"Ok, I will try". Now you have a COMPROMISE. If you wait to try to make a compromise untill you are soooo resentfull that you won't accept anything but perfection, and the other person thinks your sooo unreasonable to demand a change when you had no problems in the past it will be much harder to reach a compromise.The other potential problem is the "death by a thousand papercuts". Here is where you have LOTS of little resentments. Things that most likely, if you just SAID they bother you, you could accept in your partner. For example, "I like long hair, I don't like that you got a haircut". You have voiced your preference, but your not telling the other person what to do and you accept them either way. But if you grit your teeth and don't say anything, over and over, than th resentment builds up. And THEN when you get a valid complain, all that resentment comes out in that one complaint! Moreover, if the person dares to point out your being unreasonable("Why are you yelling at me for being late? I told you yesterday I had to work late today and did not know what time I would be out.") your so upset and angry that every complaint comes out at once. To the other party, it comes across as crazy. Your listing every complaint, and every time they address the complaint, instead of acknowledging they address it - you move on to another complaint(and if you have a really bad memory when your angry, like my wife, you can give your partner an added dose of crazy by cycling through a dozen problems because you keep forgetting that he apologised or addressed one of the problems already. After the third time of apologising for the same problem and not being acknowledged, it will be a bit frustrating).So, in short, I don't think accepting the faults of others is always the best policy. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is bad, but at the very least if you choose to accept a fault ACCEPT it, don't ignore it.
So far I have found no faults. :-)Of course I haven't done a full body inspection yet.
You are wrong and I hate you for it
You are wrong and I hate you for itOMG! You're Woody?Odee
So far I have found no faults. :-)Wasn't directed at you really, just a commentary on disagreeing with another poster's opinion and using my life as an example. :-)
"So, in short, I don't think accepting the faults of others is always the best policy. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is bad, but at the very least if you choose to accept a fault ACCEPT it, don't ignore it."feleck------------Correct in part.Is very close to that old passive aggressive thing that many do. Results in continuation of pain. This as well as that darn co-dependancy bandied about jazz. One ought not want that.Joseph - Sometimes knows some things.
Best Of |
Favorites & Replies |
Start a New Board |
My Fool |