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No. of Recommendations: 13

I can't stop thinking about you and about the really difficult time you are going through. I want to send words of encouragement and hope and yet if I were in your shoes I would want stay as distant and guarded about my pregnancy as you are. It just hurts my heart to think of you suffering so much dread and frustration.

So here's the thing I can't stop thinking. Your RE suspects that a majority of your eggs are abnormal - "suspects" being the key word. What he wants to do is get a bunch of them to mature, harvest them and then test them for genetic integrity. Your paraphrase of what he said is that it is a quality control issue - the only way he can be SURE that you have a good embryo is to screen it. That's true for all people at some level but in your case, statistically, it is more likely you will have an unhealthy embryo. It seems that the supposition is that you might be lucky to have a good egg or two. I can't help wondering why his prediction is so dire. Is it possible that you have a bunch of good eggs, too? Does he have some statistics about DES daughters to back up his perspective? This egg is suspect because it hasn't been examined but does that mean a priori that it is 'bad'? I don't know. It just seems like your RE is walking around with a hammer so everything looks like a nail. I know you have a history of miscarriage which contributes to this but I'm still wondering just exactly what the RE is basing his position on.

He has also set you up to have visions of a well managed pregnancy. One where you know the condition of the embryo, where implantation is carefully managed and where you have a high degree of likelihood of success. I know you want that and I understand completely. Another miscarriage is more than you care the bear (I won't say you can't bear it because I know you can - you just shouldn't have to). This pregnancy feels like it is both doomed to fail and that it is getting in the way of the certain path to success and so you are distressed and just sort of want it to go away. All perfectly understandable.

I'm thinking of you and wishing that your pregnancy is a miracle, not a roadblock. You wrote a really beautiful piece after your last miscarriage about making choices in how to view the world when you feel like just curling up in a ball and wishing it to go away. Here are some rest stops on this bumpy road you are on that you can maybe use to help you walk from point A to point B. Wednesday you will have an ultrasound which may or may not reveal a problem with this pregnancy. If it does not reveal a problem I assume you will wait things out. At 8 - 10 weeks you can have CVS which will tell you if the embryo is healthy or not. I hope that in between these points you can keep yourself from sinking too far into despair.

You know you have a whole Red Tent full of women who are here to help you through this and lift your burdens as much as we can.

Hugs and love,
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