Skip to main content
Message Font: Serif | Sans-Serif
No. of Recommendations: 0

I just took a peek at my family's investment accounts, and see that you, my darling red enveloped angel, are up almost 300%.  This, after my having taken meaningful profits twice in the past.  This, while many of my other stocks still sport dirty diapers.  You, flixy-wixy, have added riches to my family, without us actually having to do this awful thing called "work."  No bending, no lifting, no shoveling, no driving, no handling clients or customers, no accounts receivable, no memos, no emails, no nothing.  We did not have to do any work at all.  And yet, (tears are flowing like rain), yet, money just keeps appearing in our account.  Meaningful money.  Thanks to you.

O Reed, Ted, Barry, Anthony, and all of you wonderful people who spend countless hours stuffing DVDs into those red packets of love - you need to feel my affection.  You need to feel my... my masculinity.  You need to feel my attitude of gratitude.  Thank you, beautiful people, for:

* Humiliating all of those who thought Total Accsess would destroy you, despite it being a money loser.  Even a dumb ass like me knows spending 2 to make 1 is not a business model. 

* Shaming those who whined about your being overvalued at $20 per share because these tallywhackers know how to read numbers but not measure the amount of value and life enhancement a company provides.

* Demonstrating the awesome power of Focus - no pornos for Netflix, no video games, just movies, movies, movies and making it easier for people to find great movies.  Calgon take me away!

  * Constantly making the service better - by adding actual customer reps to field complaints, making the site ever-easier to navigate, and refusing to soil the site with advertising (though I do think ads for certain things - books, posters, memorabilia associated with a specific film might enhance instead of detract.)  

* Making imbeciles of every dumb-dumb who crawled out of the woodwork to ignoramously ask why Reed was selling 10,000 shares.   

* Providing the world with a simple way to find the films that are unique, controversial, low budget.  This helped slay the corporate colon-pinch that is Blockbuster, whose commitment to art and the elevation of the soul of mankind, stopped at having 10,000 copies of "Cheaper by the Dozen" and celluloid gas pass of that ilk.

O Netflix!  O darling fortune builder of this lazy, lazy, TV-and-Chips loving man.   

O sweet entity that has made me money without making me callous my palms or ever need to pumice my supple feet.   O Netflix, you said that you would provide your magical service on every major game console and what did you do you?  What did baby do?  Baby went out and provided Neflix on every major game console.  Didn't you?  Didn't you, darling?  Yes, you did, my angela bubbula angel.  And you're on Tivo too and somehow you're even just coming baked right into TVs. 

As if all this wasn't enough, you brilliantly rolled out "watch instantly" for free.  For FREE! O how this limited consumer complaints.  O how this helped you to learn how to work out kinks and rob your enemies of a major complaint against you.  O REED, take my trousers down and towel-thwack my arse with a Netflix-logoed towel.  Won't you?!  Just to make sure I'm not dreaming. Not too hard please, though, hm, yes, for gentle are my cheekless sitting bones.


They laughed at you, Netflix.  Didn't they?  O how they laughed at you when you went up against Wal-Mart, Amazon, Apple, and other monsters of industry.  They wrote your obituary with glee.  And still your detractors mock the idea of DVDs by mail - even though DVDs have years of growth left in them.  Years!  Habits take forever to change.  You will dominate the DVD rental space for years to come, while slowly cross-pollenating your physical DVD being with your digital being like some sort of hyphenate Avatar being. 

And once Blockbusted (a company I so stupidly thought could be turned-around by a coffee and over-priced petfood magnate) dies it's long deserved death, how their subscribers will flock to you. 

But wait, a chill just flew 'tween my thighs and frosted my investing giblets.  O Netflix.  I'm supposed to be fearful when others are greedy.  Surely, your thick-nutted $70+ stock price is rife with greed.  O hold me!  With your hundreds of millions of dollars in cash and more arriving by the truckload daily, what ever will you do to keep the company growing!?  I don't know, but I think you do.  And as you lift your dress and show some knee to suitors, how their mouths must water to the tune of b-buh-billions.  Finster billions, maybe?  Yes?  Fiver?  O finnnnster bay-be!

Anyway, this time I'm holding onto the hole bootalicious booty until the story ends.  This time Netflixian compounding interest will be allowed to fully thrill my soul.  

Lastly, angel corporate sweet delicious love of my life.  Let me say this - you are some of the most folks in the history of corporate America.  You are competence, excellence, focus, determination, patience in the storm, visionary, bold, and you have made the world a better place.  We live in a world where executives rape average shareholders - where men will literally destroy individuals, pension funds, and charitable foundations.  As impossible to believe as that still should be it is true.  We live in a world where men contrived and continue to contrive to create the financial instruments so complicated they could literally rob the entire world, and push the whole ****ing global economy to the edge of collapse.  

In these times - these often miserable, miserable times - a small company, dare I say, a band of brothers, put out a simple plan - to make it easier to watch movies.  This may sound like a small thing, but the need to share our stories, to be creative, to max out the awesome power of freedom of speech is a major thing.  Storytelling is a primal human need.  It shapes the way we see each other, see ourselves, and experience the world.  Far more often than not, it helps us connect.  It lets us become one another.  You don't just watch Rocky go the distance, you go the distance too.  In an age of globalization, terrorism, culture clashes and the most heinous WMDs, movies and art matter.  A lot.  I can't imagine life without them.

All silliness and joking aside.  I know I speak for the millions of people who enjoy your service and the millions of investors who have profited from your excellence, when I say simply, thank you. 

Sincerely and While Playing "Wind Beneath My Wings" and Sobbing,

I am, Yours Truly,


Foolish Investor,

H. Wood Dan


Print the post  


What was Your Dumbest Investment?
Share it with us -- and learn from others' stories of flubs.
When Life Gives You Lemons
We all have had hardships and made poor decisions. The important thing is how we respond and grow. Read the story of a Fool who started from nothing, and looks to gain everything.
Contact Us
Contact Customer Service and other Fool departments here.
Work for Fools?
Winner of the Washingtonian great places to work, and Glassdoor #1 Company to Work For 2015! Have access to all of TMF's online and email products for FREE, and be paid for your contributions to TMF! Click the link and start your Fool career.