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Really pathetic and frustrated in between the outbursts and intermittent numbness today.

I was trying to think of a decent metaphor to describe what it feels like.

The only one I can think of is saying I'm running in a marathon with regular runners, not elite runners. I don't want to be fabulous, I just want to finish the marathon like most people.

Unfortunately I am wearing painful clogs instead of proper running shoes, with a stone in each shoe. I'm lagging and a awkward gait, running oddly. People lined up along the sides sometimes jeer amusingly, thinking it will inspire and motivate me to run better and improve my gait. Most don't even notice me at all. I'm killing myself to keep up and I keep a smile on a sweaty, pained face as I plod on. I'm actually crying with tears streaming down my face, but it mixes with the sweat and grime and looks like every other sweaty, strained face of struggling runners.

I keep hoping I will finish the race as I planned, but I keep wanting to give up.
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