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Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under
God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme
Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a
rare "Today" show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lay back
and let Bush get away with this bullsh*t."

"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in
Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted
for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219

Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules
the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving
him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for
possible grounds for appeal.

"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim
Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is
unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of

"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of
him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."

God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct,
explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds
to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot." "Look, only 612 people in
Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for
Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.;
Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's
prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an
act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of
Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold
his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard
labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
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