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Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. To “switch tracks,” think of a different song.

Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to prevent identity theft. Just drop a few dog turds in the same trash bag as your old bank statements.

Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Remove the stains by drinking a bottle of white wine before going to bed.

Murderers: Need to dispose of a body? Simply box it up and ship it to yourself via DHL. You'll never see it again.

Burglars: When fleeing from the police, wrap your right arm in a baby mattress in case the cops sic one of their dogs on you.

Employers: Avoid hiring unlucky people by tossing half the résumés in the trash.

Bang two pistachio shells together to give the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

Blind people: At least give yourself a chance of seeing by taking off those heavy dark glasses.

Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

Car thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is visible. All the valuables are probably hidden in the trunk.

Depressed people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help," simply shout "Help!" to save money on drugs.

Motorists: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your cell phone while driving. Hide it inside a large seashell and the cops will think you're listening to the ocean.

Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.

Single men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing in the mall with several shopping bags while looking at your watch.

Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan.

Alcoholics: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from; go to a pub, where large quantities are available at retail prices.

O.T. P.S.
Once again, laladonny has been banned from TMF's British counterpart, Laughing Lemons. This time, not a word as to why, although my guess is the same thing I posted here about a week ago about Mennonites (#190780). This goes to show the different standards the two bodies have. If any of you happen to visit this board (https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=64&t=305), would you do me a favor and explain my absence and direct them to this (TMF) site and the above noted post. 'Preciate it.
lld
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