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We got our annual mass holiday mailing from Jimmy Carter yesterday - we contributed to Habitat for Humanity once or twice a decade ago, and so now we are considered easy marks - and it set us to thinking...while a nice custom, in this era of orange and purple alerts, one probably should be cautious even with the red and green cards.

 

Accordingly, as a public service, here is a list of potential problem holiday cards/actions to take as appropriate.

 

Card from Jimmy Carter/check for holier-than-thou-water contamination and keep a hand on your wallet when opening.

 

Card from Nancy Reagan/probably safe but check your horoscope before opening.

 

Card from Bill Clinton/check for suspicious stains. Don't open it unless you have some time to kill; the contents are likely to be long and get you riled up either for good or ill.

 

Card from Al Gore/avoid touching until you have ascertained that it is not too hot to handle. Recommended to be opened at night; the contents are likely to be long and a good cure for insomnia.

 

Card from George W. Bush/potentially extremely dangerous; check thoroughly for stray WMDs. If it passes those tests, it is safe to open, but vet text for grammatical errors.

 

Card from Dick Cheney/probably ok so long as envelope is too small to contain any shotgun ammo...but just to be safe, point it AWAY from you when opening.

 

Card from Tony Blair/perfectly safe, but card is a little hard to get, being delivered by a legless duck...so you have to snatch it out of the duck's bill as he cruises past and wings off into the setting sun.

 

Card from Wen Jiabao/printed on surplus U.S. dollar bills, these are safe to open but considered chintzy.

 

Card from Vladimir Putin/test with Geiger counter before removing from mailbox.

 

Card from Ehud Olmert/ok to open if you are careful...they have a tendency to shoot down and smash you in your own foot.

 

Card from Hassan Nasrallah/no one has actually ever seen one, but if you come home and there is a crater where your mailbox used to be, you may have received one via rocket delivery.

 

Card from Mahmoud al-Zahar/delivered in a backpack, postage prepaid, with no return address...sometimes heaviliy insured...if you get one, immediately evacuate the premises and call the bomb squad.

 

Card from Nouri Maliki/perfectly safe to open and read anywhere in the USA...or IN THE GREEN ZONE ONLY in Iraq.

 

Card from Fouad Siniora/check the postmark against the latest reports from CNN to make sure he was still alive when he sent it.

 

Card from Osama bin Laden/check with the CIA for authentication but it sounds like a forgery; we believe he is eschewing all holidays - he doesn't even laugh - until the total defeat of the West.

 

Card from Hugo Chavez/open it! Quick! It may contain credits good for free gasoline or heating oil if you meet the income test...and don't mind being a tool of Venezualan propaganda.

 

Card from Pat Roberson/probably safe but check the address and make sure you didn't get the one he sent to Hugo Chavez by mistake; in that case, immediately leave the premises and alert the bomb squad.

 

Card from George Allen/presents no danger but if you get one, be sure to check your mailbox for deer parts.

 

Card from O.J. Simpson/if he did send you one, dont send your wife or daughter to the mailbox unarmed.

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