Skip to main content
Message Font: Serif | Sans-Serif
No. of Recommendations: 0

We got our annual mass holiday mailing from Jimmy Carter yesterday - we contributed to Habitat for Humanity once or twice a decade ago, and so now we are considered easy marks - and it set us to thinking...while a nice custom, in this era of orange and purple alerts, one probably should be cautious even with the red and green cards.


Accordingly, as a public service, here is a list of potential problem holiday cards/actions to take as appropriate.


Card from Jimmy Carter/check for holier-than-thou-water contamination and keep a hand on your wallet when opening.


Card from Nancy Reagan/probably safe but check your horoscope before opening.


Card from Bill Clinton/check for suspicious stains. Don't open it unless you have some time to kill; the contents are likely to be long and get you riled up either for good or ill.


Card from Al Gore/avoid touching until you have ascertained that it is not too hot to handle. Recommended to be opened at night; the contents are likely to be long and a good cure for insomnia.


Card from George W. Bush/potentially extremely dangerous; check thoroughly for stray WMDs. If it passes those tests, it is safe to open, but vet text for grammatical errors.


Card from Dick Cheney/probably ok so long as envelope is too small to contain any shotgun ammo...but just to be safe, point it AWAY from you when opening.


Card from Tony Blair/perfectly safe, but card is a little hard to get, being delivered by a legless you have to snatch it out of the duck's bill as he cruises past and wings off into the setting sun.


Card from Wen Jiabao/printed on surplus U.S. dollar bills, these are safe to open but considered chintzy.


Card from Vladimir Putin/test with Geiger counter before removing from mailbox.


Card from Ehud Olmert/ok to open if you are careful...they have a tendency to shoot down and smash you in your own foot.


Card from Hassan Nasrallah/no one has actually ever seen one, but if you come home and there is a crater where your mailbox used to be, you may have received one via rocket delivery.


Card from Mahmoud al-Zahar/delivered in a backpack, postage prepaid, with no return address...sometimes heaviliy insured...if you get one, immediately evacuate the premises and call the bomb squad.


Card from Nouri Maliki/perfectly safe to open and read anywhere in the USA...or IN THE GREEN ZONE ONLY in Iraq.


Card from Fouad Siniora/check the postmark against the latest reports from CNN to make sure he was still alive when he sent it.


Card from Osama bin Laden/check with the CIA for authentication but it sounds like a forgery; we believe he is eschewing all holidays - he doesn't even laugh - until the total defeat of the West.


Card from Hugo Chavez/open it! Quick! It may contain credits good for free gasoline or heating oil if you meet the income test...and don't mind being a tool of Venezualan propaganda.


Card from Pat Roberson/probably safe but check the address and make sure you didn't get the one he sent to Hugo Chavez by mistake; in that case, immediately leave the premises and alert the bomb squad.


Card from George Allen/presents no danger but if you get one, be sure to check your mailbox for deer parts.


Card from O.J. Simpson/if he did send you one, dont send your wife or daughter to the mailbox unarmed.

Print the post  


What was Your Dumbest Investment?
Share it with us -- and learn from others' stories of flubs.
When Life Gives You Lemons
We all have had hardships and made poor decisions. The important thing is how we respond and grow. Read the story of a Fool who started from nothing, and looks to gain everything.
Contact Us
Contact Customer Service and other Fool departments here.
Work for Fools?
Winner of the Washingtonian great places to work, and Glassdoor #1 Company to Work For 2015! Have access to all of TMF's online and email products for FREE, and be paid for your contributions to TMF! Click the link and start your Fool career.