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Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby and position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth. Then very gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens his/her mouth, pop the pill in, and allow your cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away; you'll need another.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten ... well .. maybe three?

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden ... Spouse has more important matters to attend to now.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees ... hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Some suggest heavy duty pruning gloves at this point.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw - I remind you, you're exhaling, right?

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Might be smart to have your doctor's phone number available; not that you'll need it, but you never know. Don't worry.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing Force the mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band ... something like a sling-shot.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Gently apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Now apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Then take the last pill from foil-wrap ... Eventually you will succeed; it just requires patience.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak ... Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get the spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


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