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No. of Recommendations: 32
1) The legal system seems to get in a hurry, oh, never.

2) I think I must start writing, now, a timeline of my years from age 16 on, so that someday the kids can read it and know the truth. Right now DN is spewing outright lies, and his family either buys it all or thinks it sounds better than the truth, because they are repeating it. Thankfully, the lies don’t even come near the independently verifiable facts, but I think I should write stuff down now. Because the more I write it down for the lawyer, the more I remember. I would like to also keep transcripts of any and all court hearings, and I will ask for a copy of all the documents at the end of this from my lawyer, and I will keep them in our safe. Later, if the kids ask for it (because I do not speak ill of their father in front of them, and I refuse to), I can tell them the information is available when they are sure they really want it. I will let them read it all, without additional input, and then they can ask me questions. Actually, they will probably just ask that I pay their counseling bill, and I will do so.

3) My carefully constructed self-reality that made me able to believe that he wasn’t like this before and just changed into this is crumbling, and I am faced with the idea that I was too young and blind to really fathom what I was in, or so naïve I thought it could be overcome. Either way, this made-reality is crumbling because of the forced history-writing that has been occurring and is shaking me to my core. I mean I’ve come away from a session with my lawyer trembling for hours after. I’m shaking now, actually. I got through almost two years now by allowing myself to believe that he had changed, and apparently it is just as painful coming out of that stage as it was going into it.

4) This will get way more expensive before it’s over. It is very unlikely I will recoup any of this money, even if it is ordered that I am reimbursed, and I am starting a new life with my kids and BF that will already be burdened financially by this horrible man. This is compounded by the legal system allowing the effer to continually not cooperate, outright stall and otherwise gaslight, racking up my bill whilst having his paid by his mother. It’s frustrating, even more so because BF is so very understanding and helpful and willing to stand through it all with me that it creates a stark contrast to the man I am fighting.

5) This is obviously affecting other relationships. My friends, my rocks through all this, are dealing with me unable to hold a reasonable conversation. My mind is wandering, I am distracted. I can’t take any days off to clear my head until a week from now, because we are short staffed until after the last weekend of deer season.

6) I mean REALLY. I know I am in the Midwest in prime redneck country, but MY GAWD deer season? It comes around every year.

7) Hunting. I know this requires a gun, a vest, a permit and some tags. I did not know, beyond that, that it could be such an expensive hobby. BF has been put on notice that, at no time in the future, is he allowed to comment on however expensive a hobby I decide to take up. Period, end of story. If I suddenly decide to collect porcelain pigs, I will do so and the house will be filled with them and he cannot comment on the cost of said porcelain pig (or whatever) habit. CRIMENY.

8) I hate the words “mossy oak”. And I did not know that there were crocs with that pattern until I saw them, and it made me think the end of the world is nigh.

impolite
a tad cranky
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No. of Recommendations: 1
If I suddenly decide to collect porcelain pigs, I will do so

Oh! If you do let me know. I have quite a collection and I've moved on to chickens. One of my friends compared me to the Little Red Hen (I'll do it myself, she said. And she did.) So, I've been into chickens.

I've gotten over bird houses and into big candlesticks for the fireplace mantle.

Gail
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((((((((((imp))))))))))))

Ishtar
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((((((((imp))))))))))

FWIW, my DH's parents went through a messy divorce when DH was in elementary school. There are still issues for him, but he has come out of it a sane, humane, gentle, moral and kind adult.

As an adult, he can *clearly* see the cause/effect of the divorce, regardless of "who" told him "what" at the time. The truth does have a way of rising to the surface, although it may take an awful lot of time to do so.


isewquilts
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1) The legal system seems to get in a hurry, oh, never.

I'll disagree.

Just look at the amount of time they allow for YOU to do anything.
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BF has been put on notice that, at no time in the future, is he allowed to comment on however expensive a hobby I decide to take up.

ChiliSpouse likes to take his Mini to track days (not racing, just going really fast on race tracks, untimed). It is expensive.
He must write me a check for the same amount his registration costs each time, and if he goes out of town, he must include the cost of 2 nights' hotel.

Works like a charm. I generally put it in the bank and put the money toward our vacations, but if the spirit moves me to buy a prized porcelain pig, that is my perogative.

And re: the rest of your post about DN: OMFG. Hanging's too good for him (old West Texas saying).
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1) It certainly seems so. However, here's a story that may help cheer you up.

My brother's ex-wife (BEW) sued for more child support and full custody of my 2 nieces. Meanwhile the Evil Step-father (ESF) apparently abuses her, yells at the kids and, last year, hit them. Brother took them to the doctor immediately to document the bruises and he sued for full custody. Temporarily, he got full custody. BEW got short visits only if ESF was not in the house. It took a while but, after delays on her side, the judge finally said enough and they held the hearing. The girls are 11 and 9 but the judge called them into chambers and talked to them as well. Upshot is that my brother won, and got a judgment for his legal costs, too. BEW can see them for limited visits but ESF cannot be in the house. She also has to pay child support. CPS is keeping an eye on the new baby, too.

So, things may seem to be dragging, but you are also amassing evidence to bolster your case.

2) This is a good idea for the reasons you mention. It will also help with...

3) We were all young and naive. I think it's required to learn the hard lessons. You have obviously learned quickly as you now have a great, kind, helpful and supportive BF rather than going several rounds with a succession of DN's like too many young women seem to do. You're strong, you have your head screwed on right and you're fighting the good fight. Keep your chin up!

4) This is true but, again, you may end up with a judgment for your costs. It's up to your lawyer to collect that money. DN has a job and if he has a house, too, there's that.

5) Your friends will continue to support you even if you can't string a sentence together.

6) Geez...

7) How about porcelain parrots? I've got a lot of those!

8) ??? The end is always near - the older you are, the closer it seems.

((((((((((imp))))))))))

Judi
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I hear ya (married to a deer and bird hunter). Sorry about the rest of the cr@p going on (((imp)))
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No. of Recommendations: 41
Hi Folks, and especially impolite

Just so everyone gets the "clear picture" from the start, I have no agenda. Sharing is sharing. Take was seems useful and discard the rest.

I'm a guy. I am now married to a wonderful woman for many years that probably I would have despised in my teen and early 20 years. She is great. Smart, independent, self-sufficient... a soul mate.

Earlier in my 30's I suppose I went through something of what you are dealing with at present. A prolonged divorce of 3 years. We had 2 children and neither of us was "Adult enough" to just shake hands and move our separate ways. Problem is I made lots of money, and even though we married early and young and I paid her way to get her accounting degree, we ended things terribly. I wanted to just take our lumps and move on. Her attorney was smart and ruthless. Knew the system and how to pad his hours. I had to pay $5000 a month for those 3 years until things got resolved. During this time she put signs up in her front yard that said "***** doesn't take care of his children"

Although the judge was furious, what was done? Nothing. Take the signs down and don't do something like that again. Friends started to wonder, the community was getting their gossip grapevines titillated and my kids were the worse off for it.

All I can say is that it is not gender specific, and my kids who are now both finishing up their college careers, call every day or so. Who do you think in the long run has supported the kids the best? I mean emotionally, financially, the whole gamut? The none alcoholic one of us who refused also to lambast the other parent. Stick to your guns. My friends are my friends and my finances after many years are back on track. My kids I'm sure have their share of jaundice views, but all in all they seem pretty well adjusted. Both have the typical boyfriend, girlfriend relationships and hold no ill will toward my second family. We cruise together and recently I got to attend their college homecoming game down on the field. (My oldest is about to be commissioned in the Army as a lieutenant and they do those silly pushups after a score)

I hear your pain and I empathize with you. I will tell you from this side of the story though that you will emerge the victor in every way that is truly important if you keep your cool and keep what is important at the center of your decisions. Be truthful to a fault. If you have made boo-boos then own up to them. If not, then do not give in to time pressures or worries about how your children will do.

I hope the best for ya. None of us envision this type of scenario, but ........... such is life. I won't be trite. It is painful, exhausting and also character revealing. Character building???? Well that is up to you and yours.

Best advice.............

Take the time to build good positive memories with friends and kids while all this is going on. It will help the painful and exasperating moments get lost easier with time. You need not write things down unless that is catharsis for your benefit. They will know the real truth even if now it may not seem that way.

Take care............. hope this wasn't an intrusion


Woolybooger
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Take the time to build good positive memories with friends and kids while all this is going on. It will help the painful and exasperating moments get lost easier with time.

We painted things today. Mom had given me $20 and told me to not spend it on anything but craft stuff because I enjoy getting paint all over myself just like the kids do.

So I hit the clearance aisle and we painted Halloween stuff for next year and some Thanksgiving stuff for this year. And our arms and hands, a little.

You need not write things down unless that is catharsis for your benefit. They will know the real truth even if now it may not seem that way.

I certianly hope so. This is one of those marathon situations that is wearing us all down.

impolite
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((((((IMP))))))

Hon, I tried posting a response on Monday but the internet cafe connection ate it. I`m trying to remember exactly what I said....


3) My carefully constructed self-reality that made me able to believe that he wasn’t like this before and just changed into this is crumbling, and I am faced with the idea that I was too young and blind to really fathom what I was in, or so naïve I thought it could be overcome. Either way, this made-reality is crumbling because of the forced history-writing that has been occurring and is shaking me to my core. I mean I’ve come away from a session with my lawyer trembling for hours after. I’m shaking now, actually. I got through almost two years now by allowing myself to believe that he had changed, and apparently it is just as painful coming out of that stage as it was going into it.

FWIW, you aren`t the only person to wake up one day and realise that either love was blind or they were just too stuborn to read the writing on the wall. I HATE and DETEST
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OK.... Reply part two....(and apologies for the spelling)

As I was saying: I hate and detest my ex-husband, Dumbo. Even 9 years after deciding enough was enough and pursuing a divorce (me doing that), the man makes my skin crawl. I don`t voluntarily seek him out, but as I got custody of many of the friends our paths cross ocasionally.

I think I was naive. He was always an arogant, self-centred b*st*rd and I should have seen that. I don`t know, really, what I thought - that`s lost in the mists of time. But one of his biggest sins is that he compromised my self-belief in me. I guess, at the time, I rationalised it away. Now, it is what hurts the most.

You aren`t alone in the "what the hell was I thinking?" club. Karma will see that he gets what he deserves, eventually.

- Pam
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But one of his biggest sins is that he compromised my self-belief in me. I guess, at the time, I rationalised it away. Now, it is what hurts the most.

You aren`t alone in the "what the hell was I thinking?" club. Karma will see that he gets what he deserves, eventually.


Ditto for me. WTHWIT?

Minxie
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