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I just found this board.
Need to read a lot of back posts, I think.

I, personally, am puzzled that I often find myself depressed to the point of nothingness. Not sure how else to describe it other than that.

The thing is.... On the one hand, I don't really have a good reason to be depressed. I have plenty of money, don't owe anybody anything, and I'm in pretty good health for my age. Last year about this time I went on a low-fat vegan diet and I've lost over 55 pounds and am no longer on any prescription drugs. I have a husband who cares about me and a kitty that I adore and who adores me.

On the other hand.... last year I lost my best friend (0x6a74 - maybe some of you here knew him). My daughter is a lost cause. My husband's family doesn't speak to us (for reasons we still have not figured out). And we are pretty new to this area of Northern California and really have no friends here. To make matters worse, I'm an introvert and an only child - so I don't even have a brother or sister of my own.

Last night I dreamed that I needed to de-bug a computer program (because the series of numbers it was supposed to properly spit out were badly needed or wanted for some reason or other) and I simply could not find a quiet place to do it. Everywhere I tried was either occupied or exposed to people making noise. What a nightmare.

I live in a community that has monthly dinners in a clubhouse - that we never attend because all they ever cook is meat meat meat and more meat - with cheese and eggs and fat. Everything we don't eat. So that kind of social interaction is pretty much out for us.

I grew up an only (lonely) child so I'm used to being alone. But after the death of my friend, JT, I've sort of withdrawn more and more. I try to be upbeat. There are lots of things to be happy about. But I still find myself on the edge of that "nothingness" where I just sort of veg out into a kind of non-existence. I have no energy or interest in doing much of anything. Often I think of doing something - even plan it out in my head - but I never seem to actually DO whatever it is.

I always think (and not kindly) about all those people out there who say to just "snap out of it" as though you can somehow whistle a happy tune and the sun will break through the clouds, angels will sing, and all be again be right with the world. Don'tcha just want to punch them right in the kisser? :)

AM
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