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I'm sure no one will say that it's perfect as is

I don't think the intent is to make you write a perfect passage, because there is no such thing. My own criticisms were intended to draw your attention to a pattern that you may wish to look for in the rest of your manuscript.

That is why a good book on writing style makes a much better investment than having someone copy edit a manuscript -- teach a man to fish, give him a fish, etc. etc.

I try to remember to proof read my own stuff because it illuminates my own tragic shortcomings (I overuse decorative adverbs like 'simply' or phrases like 'for example' and starting paragraphs with 'So').

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