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No. of Recommendations: 33
1. Mock everyone who lives beyond a 2-mile radius of Los Feliz.

2. Visit day-care center. Confiscate crayons and fingerpaints. Install sewing machines.

3. Go to Blockbuster video and rent doppelganging classic, "The Seven Faces of Dr. Laop."

4. Have self cloned for world's first one-man simultini.

5. Spend 20 minutes in front of mirror, practicing indignant poses.

6. Tremble with unfathomable self-doubt in the presence of B of A's bitchen new logo.

7. Disdain insouciance.

8. Expand list of pat anti-Fool pejoratives beyond "TomDave," "Jardineros," and "twentysomething eastcoast hypsteristas."

9. Enhance casually droll persona by using the word vurrry a lot.

10. Enjoy the sweet venal pleasures of destroying priceless NoCal wetlands by hosing off driveway.

11. Create new hotmail address "So's I can buy a bunch of them cool Soapbox reports without killing my rep."

12. Beg Cheeze not to move.

13. Have liver bronzed for display on Engine Co. No. 28's Wall of Distinction.

14. Ponder the Imponderables: Olive, or onion? Vodka, or gin? Marcel Proust, or Ian Fleming?
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