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I thought I might use this board to announce that we have finally completed the first draft of an updated Ten Commandments. If you recall, I announced this project over a year ago, and we were going to sell it on soapbox.com. Of course, as Daddy always says, “Pride goeth before the fall.” The Gardners are now trying to keep Fool.com from following the soapbox.

Having said that, it was decided at a recent marketing meeting that we needed to update our message to attract a better demographic. We had to go to Satan to get the market research, as so few people in any branch of the consulting business make it up here. Old Scratch was happy to help out, as our businesses are intertwined. Our decline in attendance and belief was costing him money too.

So without further ado, here is the big 10C for 2002. Keep in mind, this is only test marketing.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Well, all that therapy is finally paying off. Dad is not near as insecure as he used to be, so you can place a few other gods before him. The only thing that we ask is no Scientologists go ahead of him. For some reason they just piss Dad off. This has been updated to Life's too short to drink cheap beer.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

I thought this one would be no problem. After all, the CEO of our largest franchisee walks around with a carving of me on a stick, but Dad had a problem with this for some reason. We worked on him, and he finally agreed that since George Burns and John Denver were both dead he wouldn't have to face up to Oh God! Part VI. We finally got it changed to Thou shalt not short any stock the church owns.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord they God in vain; for the Lord will not hod him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

No one ever took this one at all seriously, so we didn't even bother trying to update it. Besides, we are trying to get Dad's and my names copyrighted. Once that happens we will be able to charge for each use of our name, with no price breaks for taking it in vain (or out of vain).

4. Remember the Sabbath, and keep it holy.

Ain't no way, no how I am messing with time off. We are actually looking at making the Sabbath into a three-day weekend.

5. Honor thy father and thy mother; that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God has given thee.

Here we still agree with the basic idea, but we decided to give a little leeway. Honor thy father and mother, unless you are unemployed in your 50s because Mumsy won't abdicate and Granny is a crack ho. Then you can off them.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

Unless you are talking about killing terrorists. Then it is ok, especially if they send their money to someone other than Dad. Evil bastards, they should all die.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Amended to Thou shalt not commit adultery with fat chicks that don't swallow, particularly if they are going to keep the damned dress and turn it over to some deranged prosecutor hopped up on Sanka.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

Again, we're keeping this one, just with a few changes. It will now read, Thou shalt not steal unless thou gives 15% to the Lord they God.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Changed to Thou shalt hate the French with all thy heart and soul.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's.

Well doesn't this just put a dent in the old capitalist spirit? I mean, if you can't have your neighbors coveting your house, why put new siding on it? Nope, this one is changed to Thou shalt help the Lord thy God keep up with the Jonses. Thy shalt give 15% of the gross (not the net) to help make sure that the mighty Yahweh has digs at least as nice as Buddha's.

We are taking comments on this list (except for number 9, everyone seems to agree on that. Dad said he made the French smell so bad so the deaf and blind would know to hate them too.). Send your comments, along with the mandatory 15%, to me or one of my many minions.

Peace out,
Jesus H. Christ
Senior Vice President
God, Inc
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