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I play poker once a month on Friday nights. This is in addition to playing on Sunday evenings two or three times a month. The Sunday games are from 4-8. The friday Games are from 8 til whenever, sometimes two or three am.

The Friday games make my wife very upset. I just got both barrels of "I wasn't raised to stay out until three oclock in the morning gambling and then to come home and sleep in until 10 or 11 oclock in the morning"

For the record, we play fairly low limit poker in both cases and I am a competent poker player who generally wins more than he loses. I don't gamble otherwise, and would be content playing for bottle caps if it came to that.

She doesn't care about the Sunday games, since they are over at 8 and I'm home by 9. It really seems to be a matter of the Friday games running well in to the wee hours of the morning.

If it matters, the participants are my neighbors and my wife is good friends with them. We've vacationed together as families in the past and will do so in the future.
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No. of Recommendations: 7
well- is it that she objects to you being out?
or sleeping in?
Does she want to go out/stay in with you on Fridays?
Is there something else she feels like you should be doing before 10am?

it has, IMO, nothing to do with poker.


peace & layabouts
t
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No. of Recommendations: 24
it has, IMO, nothing to do with poker.

No sir, not a damn thing.

or sleeping in?

This is, no holds barred, what raises my ire in these situations.

I usually have no objection to him going out. But to then sleep away the morning? No, that's *MY* time. Time he's taking away from me. Yes, even if that's just sitting on the sofa drinking coffee.

The maddest I think I've ever been at T was him playing a marathon tournament that was supposed to account for Friday and Saturday....then sleeping basically the entire day Sunday. He was !shocked! at how pissed I was, because after all....he was home Sunday like he said he would be!

Home, but useless. Which is the same thing as Not Being Home.

impolite
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She doesn't care about the Sunday games, since they are over at 8 and I'm home by 9. It really seems to be a matter of the Friday games running well in to the wee hours of the morning.


Before you even got to the details, that was my reaction. Ugh. There's something of a stigma attached to gambling into the wee hours. Grates a little on the staid sensibility.

MOI
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It's not about the poker, per se.

For me, it's about time I'm not seeing my husband and it's time he's choosing not to spend with me, and clearly it's time she values.

I don't sleep well when DH isn't home. I just don't. I keep waking up wonder when he's going to be home and if he's dead in a ditch somewhere or something. I get that you're at the neighbor's and are probably walking home, but the concept is similar. Not sure if your wife is the same way, but that would be something that would mess with my evening as well.

Also, at least with DH and myself, we both work. A Friday night game like that ON TOP OF a Sunday game means that for that weekend, you're:

- Not home Friday evening
- Sleeping relatively late on Saturday morning
- Going out again Sunday for another game (perhaps?)

From my perspective, it'd seem that the majority of your weekend is either about being AT a poker game or recovering from a poker game.

I understand it's once a month... is she home on those evenings? Maybe you can help arrange something fun for her to do on those evenings - a treat for herself that she might not ordinarily indulge in?

GSF
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This. Especially this.

I don't sleep well when DH isn't home. I just don't. I keep waking up wonder when he's going to be home and if he's dead in a ditch somewhere or something. I get that you're at the neighbor's and are probably walking home, but the concept is similar. Not sure if your wife is the same way, but that would be something that would mess with my evening as well.


MOI
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Can you find out her specific objection to it? Is it that you sleep until 11?

Since I am unable to sleep in on weekends (combo of DD being 4, being pregnant, and waking up daily for work at 5am), sometimes it's tough when DH does sleep in.

Do you wake her when you come in at 3am? Could you end Friday night by midnight or something she would find more reasonable?

Does she want you home Friday night for date night, or a movie, or something?

From what you posted, I'm not certain what her objection would be exactly. Maybe you can find out and work to fix it.

Best of luck,
DizChick
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He was !shocked! at how pissed I was, because after all....he was home Sunday like he said he would be!

Home, but useless. Which is the same thing as Not Being Home.




Yup! Sometimes I'd prefer to know when DH will be both back and HELPFUL, not just physically in the house.

DizChick
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No. of Recommendations: 4
Once or twice a year I get together with my college buddies, and we go to a concert together. Usually it is a tired old band, long since out of their glory years. Then again, me and my buddies are also tired, old and haven't seen the glory years in a long time. We usually stay at someone's house, take the train into the city so we can drink a bit too much and not drive, and generally act like we're 20 years old again. But it only happens once or twice a year.

Our wives are forgiving, because it is infrequent. To be honest though, we don't want to give up that much time away from our spouses, or nursing a hangover in their presence. Hence the limited frequency. I am in no position to judge you, and you certainly don't want my judgement anyway. But given the question, I would only say that its clear that your wife wants to spend time with you, and your games are cutting into that time.

For us, we value our long-time friendships - we've known each other since high school and college, Way longer than we've known our spouses. But times have changed, and we realize that nurturing our relationship with the wives is far more important that anything else. We've worked out a compromise, and somehow it works for us. Given your posting history, you appear to be a sensitive and easy-going person. Somehow I think you'll work this out in such a way to maintain both your external friendships, and harmony at home.
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No. of Recommendations: 4
Since I am unable to sleep in on weekends (combo of DD being 4, being pregnant, and waking up daily for work at 5am), sometimes it's tough when DH does sleep in.

Resentment builds 3.2 times faster between the hours of 4am and 8am.

And usually ends in "You will be getting up. Now."

impolite
with an implied "if you don't, I will feed the children donuts and cocaine, then lock them in here with you"
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No. of Recommendations: 8
ChiliSpouse is gone one weekend a month (occasionally two) doing his high-performance driving instruction and beating the crap out of his track car on the track. He leaves around noon on Friday and returns about 9:30 Sunday night.

Heaven. Heaven, I tell you.

I grew up essentially alone until grade school and even then I spent a lot of time alone. It developed into a love affair with peace and quiet. I can party to an extent and I have lifelong friends and a few new ones that I hold dear, but alone time is precious to me.

But when CS is gone for the weekend, I revel in a silent house and a good book.

So, if you wanted to play poker until 2 a.m. once a month and sleep all day the next and that was the only time I could be alone, I'd encourage it heartily.

Chili
another perspective
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Imp - I think your situation is different, because you share childcare, and at least one of you has to be "on duty."

Without that, would it matter if T. slept away a Sunday?

Gail
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No. of Recommendations: 8
I will add to this my obligatory anecdote about being a *gaming widow*

WoW
LoL
other games ...

at least once a week there was raiding until 3-4am...

YES, he was home, but completely unresponsive. I swear if the house was burning down around him he would not have logged off.
and the next-day crankiness-lack of productivity - holy crap.

Now when I was traveling Mon-Thursday, and only even home 3 nights a week, and he worked 2 of those nights, if the third night was raiding, then i was furious...

Our schedules have changed, but there is still at at least one night/week that involves a raid in an imaginary world. And it does occasionally annoy me that the Raid Takes Precedence

He plans and schedules around the raid as if it were a job.
Where something I might want to do is OK to reschedule, the raid is sacred and mandatory...

I am not saying that you do this, but it may be her perception that in your world, Poker is MORE IMPORTANT than she is.

peace & PoV
t
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I'm with Chili. I like it when I'm om my own periodically. The sad thing is that it's usually easier for me- it seems like life is more about me doing stuff for him, making meals he likes, keeping the household going on his schedule. Not too healthy I guess.
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Without that, would it matter if T. slept away a Sunday?

Depends.

What I mean is - we both work full time. Even without kids, we would be away from the house 11 hours a day (commute + work hours), minimum.

WITH the kids, this can sometimes run 15 hours, with us in different directions. This does not only include Kid Things, however - T plays softball at least one night a week, in addition to at least one tourney a month.

So Monday through Friday is usually Accounted For, with occasional evenings in there that are open for interpretation.

Saturday and Sunday is when we 1) visit family (either or both), yard work, clean the house, groceries, cook ahead for the week, RELAX, watch our DVRed shows, play with the puppies, hang out with friends, etc. If at the very least the household stuff isn't done on the weekends, it then gets pushed to what might be the only evening off during the week. And as he is particular about, say, his yard? This is an all evening affair.

If he were gone Friday and Saturday, and no child care duties were present - we'd still have Things To Do on Sunday. And I will be honest - it would likely piss me off if Sunday Things were pushed to, say, Thursday, if Thursday was our one evening home that week.

Because *MY* chit - the stuff I have to take care of - can't be pushed off. We have to eat, so I have to shop for food and cook it. We have to have clean clothes, so I have to wash/dry/fold. Granted, we could walk around on crunchy and sticky floors - but I should probably run the vacuum and sweep/mop occasionally.

<shrug> The house doesn't run itself - and if he's not helping to run it, *I* have to do it all. And if Momma Ain't Happy...

impolite
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I like it when I'm om my own periodically

Oh, me too! For example, he's gone for 10 days Deer Killing. For some of that time, the big kids will be with their dad (four days of it), so I just have Leroy Jethro and the Puppies. Last night's dinner was nuked chicken and green beans for the boy child, and popcorn for me. Yay for not cooking!

I think sometimes, and perhaps this is what's getting dean's wife, it's the cumulative amount of Gone + Not Useful that adds up. Not necessarily the details - the whole of it. For example, I will be All Accomodating Out by the end of December, because there's regular season, then extended hunt (for which he will likely hunt at least one weekend day, being gone the evening before too), then black powder season (two to three whole days gone), then one long azz weekend where we are Not Home because we are trying to do Xmas for his side of the family and at Grandma's house, an on call weekend he has scheduled for work...

If he were to say "Hey, this one free weekend on the calendar, mind if I go out with the guys?" I'd likely Have A Moment about it. And he would not go.

Other times, times like January when he's not playing basketball to stay in shape for softball (I wish I were joking) and Q only has twice a week practice, why, I'd likely say Sure! Have fun!

As GSF pointed out, if dean's gone that friday evening, sleeping in on Saturday, then being gone all evening Sunday on the same weekend? That would be pushing my Limits of Accomodation.

impolite
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Maybe I'm imagining it (I think all the fools are slim, have clean houses and balance their checkbooks), but I think Dean pitches in around the house and yard. He gardens. He cooks. He takes care of his grandson. He works and goes to school. So that should weigh in the equation.
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No. of Recommendations: 9
My wife is not a fan of my poker playing either. I play at the casinos and, before we met, I would come home from work and sleep then, get up around midnight, and head to the casino to pick off the drunks. I made some really good money doing this, but I realized that being in a relationship would require this method to change.

What I was not willing to compromise on was playing poker itself. It is a game I adore. When I hear the saying "do what you love and never work another day in your life," poker is really the only thing that immediately comes to mind for me.

At first I cut way back. I went from playing 2-3 times a week to once a week, during normal evening hours, always home at a reasonable time of 11 or midnight. Then I went to twice a month and still it was an issue. Eventually I stopped going altogether, because it wasn't worth the attitude I would get over it.

I understood her feelings perfectly. We were in a new relationship and she wanted to spend all her time with me, and she saw this as me taking time away from that.

However, after about a year, I was not happy. I had completely given up something that brought me a lot of joy and interaction with diverse people. Also, we had progressed in our relationship past the honeymoon phase, so she was not as needy with regards to time with me.

I talked it over with her and told her that I really missed poker and even offered to teach her so we could go together. We did this once and she did very well, but never played again. I kept playing. At first it was mostly in Vegas, but now I play about once a month at home too. It has worked out well, but I always try to be respectful of her feelings too.

Also, she has learned that it is ok to go out with the girls without me and have fun drinking and singing karaoke, which I do not particularly enjoy.

I agree that this really isn't about poker. Maybe, if the Friday game is something you are really attached to, you could knock off a couple hours early on Friday, or set an alarm and forgo some sleep on saturday to ease the situation. I think compromise is the key here.

If her issue is just that she wasn't raised to stay out until 3am, well, I wasn't either. I was a child and now I am a grown ass man. I do try to respect my wife's feelings though, within reason.
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I am now reminded how extremely thankful I am to have a man whose sole hobby is working on our house. No sports, no sports watching, no gaming of any kind. His one coworker who occasionally hangs out here is also a WorkOnTheHouse guy, so when he's here, they're working on a project, and sometimes DH goes there to help out with a project. Other than that, his time is my time - if we need to scrub a floor or drop everything and drive out to see CollegeGirl or just dinner & a movie. Our schedules of Kid Stuff when they were those ages, was equal to imp's kids , and that was way enough, plus having a guy on call 24/7, always having potential to have to drop stuff and go someplace, being in the military and all.

The amount of sports and gaming that T or GoMC do would have been an eliminating factor at the dating level for me and would be a mute point by year 35 together.

Perhaps it's just that I don't share well.

Always ;-)
Hunzi
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would have been an eliminating factor at the dating level

Gaming like that was not in play when we were at that part of our relationship (because we were both on dial up - bwahahaha)
that, and we never really dated ...


peace & but that is another story
t



ps. OCD:mOOt
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I don't think it much matters what anyone else does or thinks - your marriage is a deal between you and your wife so talking to her about it is the only way you'll figure it out.
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I don't think it much matters what anyone else does or thinks - your marriage is a deal between you and your wife so talking to her about it is the only way you'll figure it out.

Yes.

The catch is that if her position is "I want you to spend that time with me because you want to be with me, not because I ask you to," then her spelling it out would defeat the purpose.
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I am now reminded how extremely thankful I am to have a man whose sole hobby is working on our house. No sports, no sports watching, no gaming of any kind. His one coworker who occasionally hangs out here is also a WorkOnTheHouse guy, so when he's here, they're working on a project, and sometimes DH goes there to help out with a project. Other than that, his time is my time - if we need to scrub a floor or drop everything and drive out to see CollegeGirl or just dinner & a movie. Our schedules of Kid Stuff when they were those ages, was equal to imp's kids , and that was way enough, plus having a guy on call 24/7, always having potential to have to drop stuff and go someplace, being in the military and all.

The amount of sports and gaming that T or GoMC do would have been an eliminating factor at the dating level for me and would be a mute point by year 35 together.

Perhaps it's just that I don't share well.



I think having a lot of things in common is good, but it seems to work better if both parties have outside interests as well. That is how you have new experiences to share and talk about. When I feel like I can't do something, I start getting antsy and eventually feel trapped. That doesn't work for me. Having the ability to spend time apart allows you to remember what it is to miss someone, and then thing are that much better when you come home. When I am attached to your hip, I never get the chance to miss you because you are always right there.
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I'm sorry for chiming in late, but I think this is probably one of the subjects I know *really* well.

DH and I both play poker. He has chosen to try to play for a living for a while. Which, granted, isn't bringing in money at the moment. So please consider it hobby playing. The best hours to play are evenings and late night, particularly weekends.

I have two rules which I've done my best to drum into his head:
1) You will NOT be on the road between 1:30 am and 2:30 am. That's when the drunks are out. You either leave early enough to be home before that, or you park your behind until after 2:30. Play more poker, eat a sandwich, read a book, I don't care. But don't be on the road.
2) You will text me when you leave the casino. My text volume is off so it won't wake me, but when I do wake up in the middle of the night and you're not here I can quickly check to see whether or not this is a matter for concern. And this only works if I trust that you will text every time without fail.

So as you can see, things that I'm not really freaking out about are Gambling or Staying Out Late. Also, after living alone for years I find myself seriously deprived of peace and quiet and space. So it doesn't bother me at all to have the house to myself in the evening. In fact, I love it.

That said, I find myself absolutely pissed off at 10 am Saturday morning when he's still in bed.

So here's my analysis of what happens.

- As several others have said, I don't sleep well when he isn't home. I don't know if it's maternal instinct (despite my not being A mom, let alone HIS mom) or what, but my body knows when he isn't in bed. Even if he just got up to pee, there's some watchful part of my brain that knows how long it should take before I feel him get back into bed and I'll wake up if it doesn't happen. It doesn't matter that I didn't wake up when he got up, some part of me is paying attention. When he's not home at all, but I know he will be eventually, that watchful part of my brain is on high alert. I sleep very shallowly. So if nothing else, I'm sleep deprived the next morning even though I was the responsible one who went to bed on time. And I'm physically incapable of sleeping in even on weekends.

- So here we are the next morning and I'm short on sleep and irritable about it. And I can't really do anything because it will wake him up. And there he is, sleeping peacefully, not a care in the world. HE doesn't have a problem. HE is going to wake up when he's good and rested.

Then if you add in the uncertainty of when he'll be home, and the waking at 3 am in a panic because my mental alarm went off from the empty bed, and the fact that *everything* pisses you off more at that time of night, so now I'm not only awake but I'm too steamed to get back to sleep...

Summary: I stayed home, went to bed on time, and didn't sleep much or well, and can't do crap the next morning even if I had the energy or motivation. He went out, had a great time, and is going to wake up rested and cheerful. I'm perfectly aware that he didn't do it to upset me and that I'm being a bit irrational. That doesn't stop me from wanting to stand over him with a couple of pot lids and play the cymbols in his ear so he can be as sleep deprived and miserable as I am.

Daytime playing when I'm at work? Totally cool. Afternoon on a weekend when I can relax in my quiet home? Totally cool. Weeknight when I have to work the next day? Definitely annoying and problematic. Weekend night when my day off is also ruined? Hide the knives or he's going to sprout an extra smile under his chin.


Frydaze1
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Dean, I am just dying for an update here. Has the storm blown over?

impolite
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Can men be annoyed at women's bunco nights?

PSU
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Can men be annoyed at women's bunco nights?

Depends on how often they Bunco, yes?

impolite
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Can men be annoyed at women's bunco nights?


That's PMS, right?
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Thanks to everyone who replied.

To the many who pointed out that it was really about the sleeping in and interfering with our time together, I'll say you were right.

Usually my wife articulates herself a little more calmly. That is what took me a bit off guard.

All is well. I appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

School is proceeding, generally. At clinical the other day, the charge nurse, one of my role models for the kind of nurse I'd like to be, said "nursing school was the hardest thing I've ever done. You didn't know it, but I've only been out of school eight years. Just keep working."

I would guess she is my age, give or take five years. Kind of comforting.
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