No. of Recommendations: 2
Hi folks, hope everyone's good.

Just airing, sharing, etc.

Today is a symbolic hard day for me. I struggle to find ways not to go out much, but did go out a bit a few times so far. And my week hasn't been so good, but I'm struggling. Not just because of the holiday on the 25th, which I don't really celebrate in any real way. But knowing that it is, at the least, a cultural holiday and I have never felt a real part of it, doesn't help. It has not been a good week.

Not least, trying not to be angry and venting at people - even if only privately to myself. I have been ignoring telephone calls, especially from the codependent people I know. And one of the current users-manipulators, a woman, called me, I let it go to voicemail. And I nearly went off as I listened to the voicemail. Struggling to not let my angry side take over.

An odd moment outside. I was at the supermarket buying some beer (cheap malt liquor, a couple of 40's, TYVM)j and had a cashier who recognizes me by face. She smiled at me, one customer away. She's great with eye contact. And when I gave her my transactions, she asked me, with real eye contact which the cashiers normally never do, "How are you?" And seriously wanted to know, with that pause and eye contact that, you know, normally people don't do when they are just saying it, not really asking it.

And I was sort, of bleh, confused, not expecting the question, and she repeated it, "How are you?" like she meant it. And waited for me to respond.

And I lied and said I was okay, or something, with the fake smile and awkward shrug.

But, you know, it felt really good that someone seemed to be concerned about me. But first, that they even noticed something was up.

And knowing this, it makes me feel so unbelievably pathetic.

Hate being so conflicted. But I am.

Thanks,
ST
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 2
Slowly thee, write me if you want to. It is good to know that someone is caring and paying attention to you. Maybe you can talk to that person at another time when there are less customers, or something.

I remember when I had my Wedding Cat (got right after marriage) die, (1977-1993), I took her last photos to a fox photo where I knew the woman working there from years of old photos, even though it was not close to home. It was a very challenging month, with an accident that totaled my car and a husband in the hospital with kidney stones and the cat was dead when he came home from the hospital. But still, such a small thing as sharing this with a photo processor helped. (I know. we don't DO that any more with pictures much).

When I was not working I found that going to my church every week and playing music there gave me An Anchor, a place to go and be. Hopefully you can find something to attend, whatever your belief, I don't mean necessarily a religious activity. I also have a crochet group that meets (sort of ) weekly (I have no idea if they met the day after Xmas but I doubt it, I was with a friend who needed help).

Anyway, keep sharing. My holiday was pretty much defined by the friend's husband who had a heart attack, but I will also call it "the Jacket Christmas".

joycets
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 2
Hi board and thanks joycets.

I was planning to check in with the board and saw your post. Appreciate the invitation to email. I go back and forth within myself if it is purposeful to post on the board, or otherwise.

No doubt the board here may understand I have more problems other than depression. For me, though, depression is the dominant force controlling how, and if, I handle the rest of my problems and particularly whenever some event, or interaction, strikes me, whether subjectively good or bad.

A personal issue I have been wrestling with for 1-2 months is the recognition that am socially dysfunctional and have unhealthy interpersonal relationships. In plainer words, I tend to attract, or be attracted to, people with significant emotional or mental dependencies, I am codependent to them, we encourage and foster unhealthy mental and emotional traits. Knowing this, I am struggling with ending, reducing, or severely distancing myself from certain people and relationships, but this means I am more isolated in different ways. Thus a simple interaction with a service person in a retail establishment can become unusually meaningful (whether mutual, or just from my perspective). I know and believe there are true introverts in the world who do not need the same level of interpersonal contact as some others do, I just don't know what my limits are, but more importantly, don't know what is healthy and normal (emphasis on the former) human relationships.

With the New Year less than two days away, I've run out of beer money, LOL. That's a good thing because when I'm just middling depressed, alcohol is a stabilizing crutch. When I'm darker and deeper, alcohol will suck me lower. Yesterday afternoon, I was just finishing my last beer and brooding when I got an unexpected call from a friend who I had promised to help with something (to do on the internet) and he was going to swing by. His call and soon arrival helped perk me up for several hours.

So I'm glad, now, I have no more beer money and am planning a sober New Years.

One of my other popular methods for dealing is sleeping. My mattress has been overused lately, but a moderately better alternative to drinking. More sleeping over the course of 24 hours, but more interrupted sleep. I think it has been rare when I've slept more than two hours, uninterrupted. I usually go back to sleep quickly.

My memory and interests have - of course - declined significantly and I kept a writing pad near me to jot things down I am trying to remember.

At the same time, I have certain real life activities or ongoings still, but trying to keep things in perspective. Most (virtually all) of my real life people have no clue my mental state. I've never been good at seeking help of any type, but even worse at getting support. This is largely due to my expectation of reciprocity with aforementioned unhealthy, socially dysfunctional people and hence a vicious cycle.

But venting, or sharing in a forum like this, I'm a little better.

For the next few days, into the New Year, I am focusing on trying to stay focus. The scribbles on the writing pad will remind me. Also a mini-project for myself is to engage myself to do something physically, anything from going out for a walk when I can summon the organizational skills to get dressed and coordinated for an outdoor walk, or more simply to just staying home and going through piles of stuff. Just sorting, even if not actual cleaning or whatever, but something to engage my hands and eyes. None of this may restart any interests, but just doing activity other than being glazed out in front of the computer, playing games. (This helps pass the time, but leaves me frustrated and more morose as I see it as a time waster.)

Main hope for the New Year is an intensive search for mental health services as I haven't been in therapy, or professional care, in too long, largely due to confusion and difficulty with benefits & eligibility.

But even sleeping at home is fine. I don't see it as a time waster compared to online games since, at least, sleeping is both necessary and can be restorative.

Thanks,
ST
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 0
Sorry, forgot to respond to specifics in your post, joycet. Want to do so.

I remember when I had my Wedding Cat (got right after marriage) die, (1977-1993), I took her last photos to a fox photo where I knew the woman working there from years of old photos, even though it was not close to home. It was a very challenging month, with an accident that totaled my car and a husband in the hospital with kidney stones and the cat was dead when he came home from the hospital. But still, such a small thing as sharing this with a photo processor helped. (I know. we don't DO that any more with pictures much).

Am genuinely sad to hear about your Wedding Cat, 16-years of love. I love animals too. And have a few cats. So much going on for you at one time and then a loss of a beloved pet. For some reason, your mentioning immediately recalled to me tenworlds' last post. I recall he went through a period of severe depression as well and had survived a serious suicide attempt. In his post, he indicated some precipitating traumas in his life, not least was the final straw, the death of his 13-years-old cat, Jane, killed by a fox.

If nothing else, I feel more connected to pets than to people. The grief of the lost of a pet I suspect could be as keenly felt as a human loss, but with much less sympathy by most. Unrelieved or unaddressed grief though not common for some, can be a contributing factor for depression, or spiraling.

When I was not working I found that going to my church every week and playing music there gave me An Anchor, a place to go and be. Hopefully you can find something to attend, whatever your belief, I don't mean necessarily a religious activity. I also have a crochet group that meets (sort of ) weekly (I have no idea if they met the day after Xmas but I doubt it, I was with a friend who needed help).

Thank you for mentioning it and the suspicion that I'm not religious, which is accurate, LOL. Recently, I've had two people who have some religious affiliation try to give me support while also pushing their religious aspects on me. I love the idea of something like a crochet group, or something - literally and physically - handy. If nothing else, I think since I have mild aspergers / autism features, being able to focus on something physical and external can help sooth me. It might be like a grownup version of "stimming" for children with autism, a term short for "self-stimulatory behavior." Basically, different types of repetitive behaviors such as rocking, flapping, spinning, but can also include repetition of words, phrases, sounds, or for other children, lining up objects, ordering things, etc. For background, go under section "repetitive behaviors" at this link http://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/symptoms (tried to copy to paste an excerpt, but cannot for some reason).
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 0
I understand repetitive behaviors
, both from when I worked at Blind School (many autistic and complex --more than merely blind--in our groups) and a bit of myself maybe. I like swinging, and often crave either the hammock or a swing to move.

Anyway, I went on a retreat Saturday before last, focused on "self image and food " type of things. One item the instructor mentioned was to have A Routine, any kind of Routine, to do every day.

I have been walking in my labyrinth (I am blessed to have a woods, and put a labyrinth in it in 2006--very personal). I have been there Every Day since sunday before last except for the days I went to the gym instead. Tonight was a major leap forward, as we came home from the vet (annual dog shots)with BBQ Ribs to go, and I explained to my husband I could NOT skip my walk to eat first, and If I ate, it would be too dark outside to walk. So I walked. It was great to do that and I feel empowered to have made such a decision with food. He did save me some ribs and side dishes.

I ate 3 candies also, I put THREE spearmint leaves in a bag, for a portion control thing. such a novelty but it worked.

just a few examples from my life.

jts
Print the post Back To Top