No. of Recommendations: 62
I am not long back from MIL's. She was busy with her 82 year old self. Now of course, there is no schedule anymore for #1 is gone. Often she would say she lived for him. She busied herself in his room sorting clothes. Now I of strong character is going to go put on my hat and take charge. Sure I am.

I stayed o nite with the oft reviled former house guy who has in the clutch turned out to be quite the Wild ™ savior. How timely he is only a few blocks away from the Wild trailer! I left him after making coffee this AM and went to the Post Office. I had to explain to the Post Mistress why I hadn't been around and picked up my school book. That's the book I have been haunting, made phone calls to B & N, fussed about and needed it for my big school report on the 20th.

I threw it in the new van. I haven't even opened it. You see, that was important before my life changed. I rant and rave about the conditions about where I live. Many are involved. Now.. I don't care. I'll keep the lights and heat on. All else doesn't matter.

So I sit here from 10:30 AM. I want to die. No, I don't want to die. Yikes! I want to stop living this life. Just for a break. I realize that I am now officially out of shock and my beloved son is dead. I pass a knife in the kitchen, give it a second of thought, and dismiss that as out of hand, and I have been brought up better.

Mom Wild calls. I have now found my way to the bathtub by 11 AM. Then, I freeze up with grief. I never opened my blinds. That is the first order of business in the Wild ™ day! I needed to be in the dark and no one should look at me.

I have a new bus driver for the school district job offer and I called them to tell them the permit testing would have to wait. My other job doesn't start up for another week or so. Then, I read the many messages. Then I wept.

I go in the back of the trailer and someone is at the door! Knocking and knocking! Grrr! I come out and it's the Park Handyman. He is $%^%&^! What the HELL you doing, grrl hiding? Any other day, I am on that man like a cheap suit and so tight up his @ss.

I come out and ask him what he wants and tell him about my son. My slumlord is looking for me. I look for the keys, finally find them and off to see the slumlord.

He says.."What about the rent?"

I say.."I paid you over the weekend before I went away!"

Park office manager in the next room.. " I have the money order here!" Doh.. I gave it to her son, my nice neighbor before I left town last weekend to drop off to Mom.

Slumlord says he is sorry, and he is.. Just to add to his misery.. I look at him cold bloodedly and say.."I was away in another state, and when I came back, I found out my son had died, so I didn't have time to check back in with you yesterday.. I am on my way out there now to make arrangements." I did say it nicely though. He backed up and told me how sorry he was. I said "Goodbye" to the office mgr and her lovely grandaughter who lives next door to me and got back in the van.

Off 2 MIL. Here comes Dad. He gets #2 off the bus and I am on the clothes like multiple cheap suits. I couldn't deal with anything stained, ripped up, bleach accidents, none of it. I had to be busy. Mom Wild put out clothes on the line the day after her husband died and she had 4 kids. I only lost one. I put #1's beautiful clothes in storage containers. MIL has been fussing forever about the lack of order. It's over now. I worked for hours. Here comes more cars! Yikes.. stepdaughter. She comes over and hugs me. If my son wasn't gone her and I would be in catfight. Today I allowed expressions of grief. I am busy. I told #2 who wanted to be hanging out with me that it was a good thing I had him, or Dad would be getting the big check from my demise. I told MIL I had passed the 2 year exclusion on suicide. Then I went into the closet and found a pair of my Sluggo's pants with the #$%% tags still hanging. I leaned up on the closet wall and wept.

I go back in and hear voices. Jesus.. it's the people from the cremation society. They sent this woman who wanted to hug me. 2 hours later, there are 6 pages signed, I am freaking out for I have wet leaves, fog, an 18 mile commute, no food all day,and I have a fine education thank you you smacked @ss, don't you hug me, don't you tell me that I have to have to comfort my child's father who I have been with since 1981, just take your check and get the $#%%% out of my life and all I want is my son back.

I don't want my son to be the decedent. I want to call and say.."How is my Sluggo?" I don't want to have to look over paperwork for the disposal of his "remains." It told his father today that this boy has been 1/3 of our life. I don't want to have to rewrite the whole $#%% obituary for my husband didn't even get my name! or my town right! Thank G_d I don't have a permit to carry. I would have shot him for that trangress alone. No judge would fault me.

So, I made the arrangements, and left them to deal. I had an 18 mile ride under ugly conditions. I did OK.. lots of bad weather.. one time in the ditch, and held it together, and even beeped the horn at someone annoying me. Then I got here.

I couldn't leave the van.

I turned out all the lights and wept and wept. When I was done, I came inside. I put on the computer, and go to my board. I get a link to Alto's post. Oh no. I have things to do. Then I look. How timely the tissues are right here. I wept again.

Now.. I have called my dear teacher and told him I will indeed be able to come to class tomorrow. My life must go on.

They came today to take my son. They will let his father know before they cremate him. Somehow, I will get through this. The one who I am with now tells me I have to "stay the course." He called me again tonite. I lost my course. I lost my child. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

Thank you so much for the kindness.

wild :(

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