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ok, remember the ex-bf guy? Hadn't heard from him in months, didn't expect to hear from him ever again. Pops up on Yahoo IM this morning. I can't describe the conversation, so I'm going to cut and paste it. I think at the end, his wife must have woken up or something. There may be some profanity. At one point in my life, I had a reputation for, well, being a slut. One of the things I used to say was, "use 'em, abuse 'em and throw them away" It was, you know, a protect my emotions thing.

This whole thing is really all just about sex, isn't it? I mean, there's a part of the conversation where it sounds like he thinks we'll get together some day. He's been married 6 months and wife is 7 months pregnant. Idiot.


kapu419 (5:58:20 AM): Good evening...how are you doing?

ishtar_innanna13 (5:58:43 AM): you're online now? what the hell time is it there?

kapu419 (5:58:57 AM): it's almost 3 am here...

ishtar_innanna13 (5:59:21 AM): Wow. I'm alright, how about you?

kapu419 (5:59:46 AM): well, given the circumstances, probably as well as I could be doing....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:00:04 AM): What's that mean? Something bad happen?

kapu419 (6:00:14 AM): nah,...just a pregnancy...LOL

kapu419 (6:00:22 AM): time is drawing near.....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:00:27 AM): *smile* too funny

kapu419 (6:00:40 AM): the irony is just a killer, isn't it??

ishtar_innanna13 (6:00:52 AM): Yeah, guess it kinda is

kapu419 (6:01:14 AM): me, who never truly wanted a kid, has one popping out in a mere 2 months....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:01:34 AM): Yeah, but you kinda did want one, too

kapu419 (6:02:07 AM): i did, but I didn't at the same time. I guess I took what rolls were dealt to me...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:02:41 AM): if she was taking fertility drugs, there was more thought in it than that, unless she did it behind your back.

kapu419 (6:03:14 AM): no...but I never thought it was going to happen....drugs or not....just wasn't meant to be...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:03:45 AM): I do remember you thinking YOU were infertile. Always thought that was funny, I mean, considering.

kapu419 (6:04:25 AM): dear, we were together quite a while...as was me and April...it just seemed to fit the bill....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:05:27 AM): My family had to evacuate for hurricane Charley, was a bit exciting when I couldn't get hold of them. Chandra's out there with them now

kapu419 (6:05:49 AM): wow;....is everything ok?

ishtar_innanna13 (6:06:42 AM): Yeah, it ended up hitting about 150 miles south, instead of Tampa. They got wind and rain, but were on the lee side of the storm, so not nearly as bad as it could be

ishtar_innanna13 (6:07:42 AM): Haven't heard from you in awhile, anything (besides the pregnancy) going on?

kapu419 (6:08:07 AM): work work work...am pulling 6 on, 1 off....is taking its toll

ishtar_innanna13 (6:08:25 AM): ouch, I couldn't do that kind of shift now

ishtar_innanna13 (6:08:34 AM): I'm too old

kapu419 (6:09:13 AM): after working 12s,,,8s are easy.....and you're not thta old...what, a couple of years beyond me?

ishtar_innanna13 (6:09:44 AM): 8 months older!

kapu419 (6:09:58 AM): hhehe...i just turned 34 this july....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:10:12 AM): I know, I will turn 35 in Nov

kapu419 (6:10:16 AM): that means i am twice as old as I was when I was almost legal....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:10:24 AM): *giggle*

ishtar_innanna13 (6:10:39 AM): well, you were 18 by the time I started sleeping with you

kapu419 (6:10:47 AM): you could of went to prison....hehee

kapu419 (6:11:03 AM): no, I wasn't. I was still 17 dear..

ishtar_innanna13 (6:11:06 AM): Nah, Alex could have gone to prison

ishtar_innanna13 (6:11:28 AM): No, I didn't start sleeping with you until almost Sept, you were 18

kapu419 (6:11:32 AM): alex liked my f*cking too much to rat me out...LOL

ishtar_innanna13 (6:11:47 AM): Yeah, well, who wouldn't?

kapu419 (6:12:32 AM): ok....perhaps you are right...i turned 18 during BE and E...but you still took advantage of me..hehe

ishtar_innanna13 (6:13:11 AM): Yeah, right, I think that's more the other way around. Ok, maybe I STARTED things, but you sure took advantage of the situation

kapu419 (6:14:17 AM): I was young and gullible. You used me for orgasms. Pure and simple, I was YOUR f*ck toy. ;P

ishtar_innanna13 (6:14:31 AM): Yeah, that's why I left my husband

ishtar_innanna13 (6:14:45 AM): I also used you for your poems

kapu419 (6:15:30 AM): honestly though, we WERE good together. There is no blame, as I could never assign any....after that night in Chicago, I was hooked.......

ishtar_innanna13 (6:16:15 AM): sigh* me, too. The only other one that comes close to how we were is my second husband, and I wasn't attracted to him at first!

kapu419 (6:16:48 AM): hhehehe...i still wonder WHY you showed up at MY barracks like you did...i didnt even know you

ishtar_innanna13 (6:17:11 AM): uh, we were in the same barracks

kapu419 (6:17:34 AM): come to think of it.......yea, WHY ME???? I mean really how...there were literally hundreds to choose from

ishtar_innanna13 (6:18:20 AM): Hundreds? No, I don't think so. Remember, I married A because I thought no one else would ever like/love me; low self-esteem

kapu419 (6:19:35 AM): but that doesn't change to situation...there were literally hundreds of guys available...and for some strange reason, you picked me...and at the time, I didn't know you, not at all, aside from the fact you were married...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:21:20 AM): *smile* the way I remember it is, we were introduced in BEE by Alex. I knew Rick. When I got to GL, you were in my class, me on days, you on nights, but the first week or so, orientation, we were in the same class, and we started flirting a little. You drew dirty pictures on my notebook

ishtar_innanna13 (6:22:00 AM): All of us started hanging out, and within a couple of weeks, I don't know, you . . . interested me

kapu419 (6:23:21 AM): I surely wasn't tryng. I don't recall our first classes together....I wonder why? We both had so much going on those daysl...

kapu419 (6:23:50 AM): do you remember Barbera???

kapu419 (6:23:58 AM): or Barbara??

ishtar_innanna13 (6:24:05 AM): Barbara? last name?

kapu419 (6:24:17 AM): Spinelli...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:24:23 AM): not really

kapu419 (6:24:35 AM): was related to Cahill....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:24:42 AM): No

kapu419 (6:24:50 AM): hmmmmm.....ok

kapu419 (6:25:02 AM): she told me about you once....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:25:17 AM): What did she say?

kapu419 (6:25:25 AM): almost like a witch would, or perhaps a seeress...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:25:52 AM): What, did she say we'd get together?

kapu419 (6:26:02 AM): more than that.....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:26:08 AM): MORE?

kapu419 (6:26:16 AM): we had already been together....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:26:22 AM): Oh, I see

kapu419 (6:26:57 AM): and that our paths would cross once again, but that we would not know until it happened...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:27:18 AM): I sort of knew that, but I thought it would be different

ishtar_innanna13 (6:27:28 AM): not that it matters now

kapu419 (6:27:51 AM): but we havenl't crossed pathes just yet....time is on our side...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:28:23 AM): *smile* Don't think so, hon, too much water under the bridge; besides, didn't they cross when I came back from Italy?

kapu419 (6:29:30 AM): i don't think so...i think we were both stupid..you in love with a commander, and me just hanging out doing nothing...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:30:01 AM): Doing nothing? you were married when I came back. . .I was soooo pissed

kapu419 (6:30:48 AM): LOL....a marriage of convenience.....I couldn' t stand living on the boat like I was....getting married was the easiest solution...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:31:47 AM): Well, obviously something was there, considering current circumstances; I remember thinking, "he's only been married a few months, and he KNEW I was coming back; IDIOT."

kapu419 (6:33:21 AM): yes, I knew you were returning...but that never changed my thought process. As far as I was concerning, I was "old hat" to you...used, abused, and tossed away...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:33:31 AM): Then you were sitting there saying, "if i wasn't married, I'd almost give US another chance" Idiot.

kapu419 (6:33:42 AM): while that's not a fair assessment, it's what I felt....

ishtar_innanna13 (6:33:46 AM): No, you weren't

ishtar_innanna13 (6:33:55 AM): You didnt' know you were different to me?

kapu419 (6:33:59 AM): we weren't particularly close then u left...

ishtar_innanna13 (6:34:35 AM): Yeah, but I didn't want to stalk you, I was letting you come to me. and I was always there when you wanted/needed me

ishtar_innanna13 (6:35:25 AM): besides, we were both f*cked up kids

ishtar_innanna13 (6:36:06 AM): I've got about 10 mins before I gotta go to work

ishtar_innanna13 (6:36:29 AM): still there?

ishtar_innanna13 (6:38:44 AM): Did you go offline at this part of the conversation?

ishtar_innanna13 (6:41:12 AM): Well, I've got to go to work, but I'd like to finish this conversation.

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It sounds to me like he feels he missed a chance with you, the sex was good, and he's missing sex these days (and maybe your relationship). He's going to be a dad soon, and he didn't particularly want to be--a "wild" woman from his past would be particularly attractive right now.

It sounds like you both have regrets about the way that relationship worked out, or was sort of unnaturally terminated, or didn't reach any closure, but you're resigned to it not getting picked back up again, and it sounds like he's really holding on to the idea of the relationship. I know that for a long time, when I was first married, the thought of what I was missing out on by not being with my first boyfriend sometimes kept me going through hard times, even though it wouldn't have been nearly as perfect as it was inside my head. Sometimes illusions can help, though. It sounds to me like you're his illusion, which might mean you get dangerously idealized, and if you try to thwap him upside the head with reality, he might bolt again.

Just my take on it. :-)


--Booa
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Well, here's what I sent:

kapu419 (4:28:56 AM): sorry I bailed like I did. My comp took a shit and I said screw it, and went to bed. I'd had more than my fair share to drink/smoke that night...

ishtar_innanna13 (5:11:20 AM): It was an odd part of the conversation to leave, that's all. But I guess it doesn't really matter.

ishtar_innanna13 (5:12:20 AM): Look, it sounds like you still don't realize what you were to me. You were definately more than just a guy I "tossed away" In fact YOU broke up with me.

ishtar_innanna13 (5:14:40 AM): I think if you had actually pressed things when I returned from Italy, I might have. . . despite you being married then. But you didn't press, and I thought the fact that you got married knowing I was coming back said all I needed to know - that you DIDN'T still care about me.

ishtar_innanna13 (5:18:10 AM): So, I had to figure out a way to move on - for real this time. And I did.

ishtar_innanna13 (5:18:22 AM): Now, you sound kinda strange.

ishtar_innanna13 (5:19:17 AM): You're recently remarried, baby on the way. back in March, we talked about things that I think you needed to talk about before this baby is born. And you got your absolution.

ishtar_innanna13 (5:20:25 AM): But now, you're talking about barbara saying "our paths would cross again" What the hell is that? Why bring that up?

ishtar_innanna13 (5:21:07 AM): I wrote this long, long thing I was going to send you, but really none of that matters, either.

ishtar_innanna13 (5:21:43 AM): You've got it better than you realize, and you shouldn't be messing it up contacting old girlfriends.

ishtar_innanna13 (5:22:03 AM): Especially ones that never really did resolve their feelings for you.


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nobody wants to touch this with a ten foot pole, huh?

Or is everyone on Meg's board now?

JK

Ishtar

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Did he reply at all? I think what you wrote made good sense, and sounded good, and reasonable. Maybe he doesn't realize he's playing with fire...

{{{{Ishtar}}}}

Good luck with this guy, he seems like he's in a weird place, mentally. And emotionally.


--Booa
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he's always been in a weird place mentally and emotionally.

At 18, it was part of his charm.

now, not so much. . .

and no, no reply; didn't really expect one

Ishtar
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Hey Ish,

Coupla weeks behind, sorry.

Sounds like both of you were taking a trip down memory lane. I'd leave it there. I take a few trips every once in a while, but only in mind, not real life. Some of these trips could get me in serious trouble if they were real...not necessarily sexual either.

I think they could be beneficial mentally, but could be detrimental physically.

ßillƒ
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