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As a service for those who don't get the Post, here are excerpts from this Sunday's "Style Invitational," a write-in contest for readers of the Post.

The Washington Post
Sunday, January 2, 2022

The Style Invitational

Fauxcast for 2022: An Invite Timeline

(Excerpts only)

News Items from the year ahead:

January: Astronomers announce the discovery of an Earth-size planet orbiting the star Proxima Centauri. Texas officials immediately designate it as the voting location for all of the state’s minority neighborhoods.

After shouting, “Kill all Democrats” on the House floor, Rep Paul Gosar is censured again in a straight party line vote.

February: To dissociate itself from an enslaver, the DC NFL franchise is renamed the National Capital Football Team.

March: Dr Fauci finally activates the microchips in the coronavirus vaccine. Donations to charity skyrocket, and millions of people volunteer for soup kitchens.

The Supreme Court simultaneously overturns Roe vs Wade and Brown vs Board of Education, and reinstates the Dred Scott decision. Writing for the majority, Justice Kavanaugh opines, “Precedent, schmecedent.”

April: Throwing out the first pitch on Opening Day, President Biden whizzes a fastball down the middle. The Nats instantly sign him as a starter.

Democrats introduce a $10 Trillion inflation relief bill.

May: Russia sends 150,000 armed “ambassadors” to Ukraine for “peace negotiations.”

June: President Biden orders a chocolate cone at an ice cream parlor. Fox News denounces the “War on Vanilla.”

Florida Gov Ron DeSantis bans shirt mandates.

July: On National Postal Worker Day, the USPS confirms that the “Forever” stamps refer to the amount of time expected to deliver a letter.

August: Environmentalists suspect that climate change may be accelerating when longtime denier Sen James Inhofe, in what many view as a surprising concession, melts.

September: Florida Gov DeSantis makes it illegal to ask children to look both ways before crossing the street.

More than a year after his official portrait was completed, the National Portrait Gallery still can’t get Mike Pence to agree on the date for a hanging ceremony.

October: The Houston Space Center aborts a launch after six seconds. Thousands of Texans sue in hopes of getting $10,000.

The nation is shocked when Rep Matt Gaetz is discovered to be cheating on his wife with a woman of legal age.

November: Millions of Americans drive across renovated roads and bridges to vote out the Democrats.

December: Trump announces his candidacy for 2024 by shooting a man on Fifth Avenue.

Sen Joe Manchin introduces a bill requiring Santa to deliver a bag of coal to every child, not just the naughty ones.

CNC
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