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No. of Recommendations: 3
No, Snie, you are not wrong to stand up for yourself and try to stay psychologically intact. You are absolutely right to refuse to give her money in support of her bad behavior and lack of personal responsibility for her own life and actions. All that does is add fuel to the fire and continue to set yourself up as the "whipping post".

She's started seeing a shrink who is working on convincing her that she is not in control of anything that is happening to her, and its not her fault.

Well, at least that's what she SAYS he's telling her. Unless you've been in the sessions, you don't really know what's been said, by either of them. All you have is her "unbiased" (*LOL*) reports and opinions of the conversations. All he knows is what she's told him (sorry, but I'm assuming the shrink's a he, although I recognize that may be inaccurate). And if what she says to him is as nutty as the stuff she says to you, well, no wonder he's got a skewed perspective on your relationship. Any shrink worth his salt would be asking to see you and other family members to hear different sides of the story, IMHO.

She has voluntarily cut off every other relative (her parents, siblings, cousins, and my brother).

Sounds like they're very lucky, actually!

She phoned me at 1:00 in the morning last night, to tell me what a rotten, horrible, judgemental person I am.

Next time, tell her "This is nonsense, and I'm not going to listen to it," then hang up. (Or start screening your calls via an answering machine?)

When she unloads these monumental guilt trips on me, it feels like I'm a little sandcastle in front of a huge wave. She completely runs over me and destroys me emotionally, and makes me feel like everything that's gone wrong is my fault.

Ummmm, who's the adult here, and who's the child, anyway?

For my own sanity, I need to put some space between us, but then again that makes me a rotten person because I'm not "supportive".

According to her, not being "supportive" in the way she wants makes you a rotten person. Time to stop listening to her - you're obviously a good person, otherwise you would likely have already blown her off. The awful guilt trips she lays on you via email are just more emotional blackmail. When she sends you an email with irrational rants like those you've posted, stop reading as soon as the nastiness starts. Just don't give her the satisfaction of tearing your down. And don't encourage her by responding and trying to defend yourself. She's not going to listen anyway, so why try?

She is being pig-headed, destructive, intolerant, immature, narcissistic, an emotional thug. She's the one being judgmental, not you. You've tried to be supportive, but she doesn't really want support - she wants a "yes [wo]man". In fact, I don't believe she even knows what she wants, and this leaves you with two choices. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out and provide it for her. Or you can save your sanity and just say no to thugs!

Seriously, though, I know you probably DO want to have a relationship with her, so it's just a matter of finding a middle ground that works for both of you. But part of finding that ground and defining its boundaries means drawing "lines in the sand" on verbal abuse. I think if you hang up on her a couple of times, and don't answer (or even read) her abusive emails, you're drawing your line on what behavior you'll tolerate. The idea of getting together for brief, finite periods of time in neutral locations with easy outs for you is a good step in finding that middle ground, too. But intrusion into your life in the middle of the night to berate you for being a "bad" daughter and other mistreatment is not.


It's a tough problem. Good luck, try not to let the sh*t get you down, and remember you can always come here to rant!

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