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No. of Recommendations: 43
I have lost my reason for life. OK, I don't want the husband to get the 500K in life insurance and I feel suicide would never be an option for me. I have lived with a disabled child for nearly a third of my life. His father and I have planned around him. Now we are free agents.

I just want to go away. I should have died a few minutes before him. How do I regroup from this?

I was in his room this afternoon and I looked at my MIL with horror and said.."I just put lay a way money down on his new blanket!" I only had 20 dollars left for his and my blanket left to pay.

The coroner wanted to know if he could have my #1's organs. His father said "No!" I would have donated them.

I don't want to die, but I feel my life is over. The FHG will be over @ 11:30, so I don't have to sleep alone.

I have had agony. I have been homeless, had an abusive marriage, lived without water or food or money , been unjustly incarcerated, been hungry, but always fed my children, suffered through the DX of a handicapped child at only 38 months of age, and never had an easy time of it.

Nothing, and I mean nothing even approaches this anguish. And them Mom Wild who has her hat on and is taking charge of all this.. says.."There is no SENSE in you falling apart!"

I just may fall out. I am reeling with despair over my loss. No one has ever been more loved than that child.

wild :(
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No. of Recommendations: 5


dear dear wild,

I do not have the right words, but I lost a parent at a young age and so all I can think of now is this:

When this happened to me, the doctor gave our family a few tranquilizers so we could sleep the first few nights. It is not good to be alone.

Hug your mom, #2 son, FNNCW and all those other letter people.

Have them near you. Remember to eat, drink water and get sleep.

Your body is under enormous shock right now. Don't jump into making any decisions except the immediate ones that need to be made.

**Please take care of yourself** We here are all worried about you.

Vesper
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No. of Recommendations: 8
We don't discuss religion much on these boards.

I am not even sure what your feelings are on the afterlife or where you believe we all will go when we cross the finish line. But remember, we will all cross it.

Your dear son just finished a little bit ahead of his dear mother and father.

He is safe and sound in the God's arms. His pain is over.

You have to believe that.

It will not make much sense today, but as the days pass, you will grow stronger.

Your son will never be gone, he will be with you in your heart, in your soul and ever-present in your memory. Take comfort in that.

Keep your loved ones close around you tonite, it will comfort you.

Best,

donna

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No. of Recommendations: 3
Wild,
I'm sure this must be impossibly difficult. Not being a parent, I can't even begin to imagine ...

I can tell from reading your posts that both your sons are well loved, and that you wouldn't consider suicide.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Would the school be able to provide you with someone to talk to? Could you get a referral from your Dr? (Of course, we are here for you as well for when you need to talk, but someone more professional could help.)

DizChick
{{{{{{{{Wild}}}}}}}}
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No. of Recommendations: 34
My God, wild, I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. But PLEASE do not feel that your reason for living is gone.

So many others NEED you.

#2 son needs you now. Be there for him when you can. He will need his mother to help him figure this out and cope with the loss of his brother.

Your Real Life friends, like the FNCCW and MIL need you.

FHG needs you, and so does WTWP.

The newly married WBD's need you.

Slimey. Your friends from the grocery store. So many others.


And wild, we on this board need you. You are a beacon of hope, strength, optimism, determination, and inspiration to us.

But for now, don't you worry about any of us. Take care of that #2 son of yours, and do take care of your TOA.

We are here to worry about you. And if you need anything, you just say the word. We will move any mountain for you, for you are loved here.

Now, grieve in whatever way you must. Yell, scream, cry, laugh, and cherish your memories of your dear boy. He is gone, but he was real, and he had a family that dearly loved him all his life. He wanted for nothing when he was here. That's one helluva gift that you gave him, you cannot deny that. Do what you must to get through this time. Just don't you, for one second, think you have nothing to live for.

Take care of yourself and #2, wild.

We love you, and will be here for you.


Sassy

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No. of Recommendations: 4
.."There is no SENSE in you falling apart!"

Wild, you have our permission to fall apart. This is real and the most painful thing you will every experience. Come here and talk to us when you want or need to. Kick and scream if you want to. You do what ever makes you get thru the next hour. I wish I were close to you so I could come hold your hand.

Blue
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No. of Recommendations: 2
I am finishing off the few ozs of gin and chewing some sugarfree gum. Tomorrow's clothes and tonite's pillows are at the door. I don't know about college for Thursday. If I am not falling apart, I will go. This FHG™ will be here in one half hour. Marvin is yelling at the door,and I just fed him. I just called the MIL house, and talked to #2 and Hub #1. #2 said he is going to school tomorrow.

I ate one piece of pizza that my stepson went and bought at 5 and I just had a few pieces of cheese. And the gum. I have to get off here and call the WTWP™ and give him the "heads up" in case I am a no show. I'll see how tomorrow goes.

Now let me go yell at Marvin to go away. Stupid cat.

wild :(
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No. of Recommendations: 3
Hi Wild,

Please be sure to give some extra attention to your younger son. He may need a few extra hugs this week.

Marvin is trying to comfort you - Cats are intuitive.

You will feel different tomorrow as the reality settles in.

Hold your dear ones close. Take care of yourself.

Best,

donna

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No. of Recommendations: 51
Wild, there is no sense in falling apart, but nothing about the death of a loved one makes sense. Even those who seek comfort in their religion are taught that G-d can not provide comfort through reason; only through faith. And when a child is taken way too young, it is hard to find comfort there.

I wish your WPM could spend the night with you instead of FHG. He being a family man can best understand your pain. Son #2 needs to let himself grieve. I think school is just too soon for him, and for you. You will be excused. You should be able to postpone any assignments. You should be able to call anyone to whom you owe money and get a postponement.

It is ironic that tonight, 8 Simple Rules returned to the air after the death of John Ritter. It was a moving episode in which the family dealt with the death of their father/husband. It was a sitcom with the funny sucked out of it, and I know that is how you feel your life is. There is no joy.

But over the next couple of days I want you to find joy. Find it in your Son #2. Find it in your friends and family. Find it on-line and wherever else you can get it. Find it in your pets, in the birds outside, in the trailer rats blissfully unaware of life's cruelties. Find it in the sunshine, find it in the rain drops, find it anywhere you can, because it can be found everywhere.

No one should outlive their children. But take comfort that he is no longer in pain, suffering from siezures, wishing he could live a normal life. He is at peace, and will live on in the memories of friends and family. You can find strength in the same places where you can find joy, and you can start with his memory. Celebrate it, rejoice in it. Reflect on his life rather than his death. He never gave up, a lesson learned from his mom. His strength, character, and goodness came from his mom. Now it is his turn to give it back in his passing.

You will definately feel different tomorrow. You may not feel better, but you will feel different. You wish say more than once that you just want things to be like they were before. They can not. They have never been. They can only be what you make of them. You have been learning that lesson all your life, and now it is time to put it to the test.

One step at a time, one day at a time, one sob at a time. You have walked this path before, although not for something as severe, as close to your heart, as heart numbing as this. Life wasn't fair to make your son ill. Life wasn't fair to take him from you. Life is rarely fair.

If you will permit me to pass on some words from my religion that provide comfort to me:

When cherished ties are broken, and the chain of love is shattered, only trust and strength of life can lighten the heaviness of heart. At times, the pain of separation seems more than we can bear, but if we dwell too long on our loss we embitter our hearts and harm ourselves and those about us.

Grief is a great teacher, when it sends us back to serve the living. Even when they are gone, the departed are with us, moving us to live, as in their higher moments, they themselves wished to live. We remember them now; they live in our hearts; they are an everlasting blessing.

Though we can not understand death, we accept life as a gift. Death is a haven to the weary, a relief for the sorely afflicted. There is no pain in death, only the pain of the living as they recall loved ones and fear their own death.

Memory can only tell what we were, in company with those we loved. It can not help us find what we must become. Yet those who are no more echo within our thoughts and words, and are part of what we have become. We do our best hoage to our dead when whe live our lives most fully, even in the shadow of our loss.

May the source of peace send peace and comfort to you, Wild. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Fuskie
Saying Kaddish in your name...
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No. of Recommendations: 0

Wild, I am at a loss for words right now. Please do take care of yourself and make extra time for son#2. You both are suffering a huge shock.

Once things calm down, please consider seeing a counsulor or therapist. Please don't allow this to escalate into depression-for your sake, and for the ones who love you.

Take care, Marcia
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Fuskie, what a beautiful, beautiful post ~
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No. of Recommendations: 2
Wild,

My heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time. I really don't have words to express how I feel, other than "I'm sorry." Others on this board have posted far more eloquently than I am able to, and I know they speak for all of us.

I have never lost a child, but lost my mother very suddenly 2 days before Christmas a few years ago, so I have some idea of what you may be going through. Please, take care of yourself - eat, drink water, and try to get some rest. Take support from your family and friends, and even the trailor park cats - and don't worry that your feelings/reactions may be wrong or inappropriate. There is no etiquette for grief. Remember you can always come here and we will be here to support you.

If there's anything we can do for you, please - just let us know.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Wild }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Kate and the furbabies
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No. of Recommendations: 0
Oh, wild, I am so sorry.

{{{{{{{{wildgirl}}}}}}}}

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I often think of this quote from Spenser when tragedy strikes.

"Sleepe after toyle, port after stormie seas,
Ease after warre, death after life
Does greatly please."

Lots of love to you, I know your heart is breaking with grief.


--Booa
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No. of Recommendations: 1
I've wondered, many times, how it is that we manage to carry on through the worst times in our lives. We do, somehow.

Love like that you had for #1 does not disappear. It remains with you, all of your life. It is wonderful that this child, with all of his difficulties, was so loved by you. So many children, disabled or not, aren't. Carry with you that you gave him everything you had, and made his life the best you could. Carry with you all of the good memories; the time will come when the memories are no longer painful, and you will cherish them.

You will be able find reasons for carrying on in your life. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next week. You may fall apart tomorrow, or three weeks from now, or not at all. Take your time, and allow yourself to grieve. Ask friends, people on this board, for help. At times like this, that is what we are here for.

We are all thinking of you.

Katy


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No. of Recommendations: 0
{{{{{{{{wildgirl}}}}}}}}

My worst nighmare - I worried every day of #1 son's teens - and frequently since.

The right words just don't exist.

AL
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No. of Recommendations: 48
Wild,

Please forgive my intrusion on your board, but I read about the death of your son through the Best Of list. I am so sorry to hear of your sudden and tragic loss.

While I can't say I know *exactly* how you feel, I can come pretty damn close. Next month it will be four years since the death of my then 16 year old, profoundly handicapped son. I also have a #2 son, like you. It is devastating, and nothing in this world can prepare you for it. You won't believe it now, but in time, you will feel better. You won't forget, the pain won't ever disappear completely, but time will be your friend.

One of the hard things is that friends and family and acquaintances don't always want to let you feel the depths of your pain. They want to tell you things that they think will make you feel better. Some of them will, and some of them won't. Try not to be too angry when someone says something stupid; it's scary and difficult to find the right words, and for some, they never come. The truth is, you have to go through the pain and anguish, the anger, the sadness and the depression before you can come out the other side. Trying to deny it won't help you. The loving support of friends and family is the best. Some of your support will come from here, your online friends.

I think what's important to know, is that grieving doesn't follow anyone else's timeline, only your own. No one can tell you (although they'll try) when you've grieved enough. Strangely, while you're still grieving, life goes on. If you feel ready to do things, don't let anybody else tell you it's too soon. Conversely, if you want to sit home and cry, don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't.

About your second son wanting to go to school. My younger son had a hockey game the evening after our son's funeral earlier that day. It was a play-off game, and he wanted to go, so my husband decided to let him play. I think it meant a lot to him to do something normal. I didn't go to the game that night, but that weekend, I did go to see him play in the finals. I was numb, and just sort of there, but that was okay. A few people gave me strange looks for being there, but that didn't really bother me.

I've said more about myself than I intended, because this is all about you, not me. I just wanted you to know that I can relate to what you're going through. Let me know if you need someone to talk to. My sincerest condolences.


Patti
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No. of Recommendations: 1
Oh, I forgot to say - you mentioned that #2 son wanted to move into #1 son's bedroom. I was surprised by how quickly my own son made that request, too, but within a few weeks of our older son's death, he made the move. I have no words of wisdom about whether that is wise or not, but it didn't seem to cause us any problems. It moved him one room closer to us in the house, and I think that was a comfort to him.


Patti
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No. of Recommendations: 4
Actually, I've often heard that it's good advice for a newly widowed person to start sleeping on the other side of the bed. Then, instead of looking over at the space where your spouse used to be, you're *in* that space, sort of surrounded by him. Having "your" space empty isn't as scary.

Maybe at some level son #2 is doing something similar.

KrissyLou
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No. of Recommendations: 1

Wild -


Patti is so right.

When I was grieving the loss of my father, I found comfort in the company of people who were going through the same thing. Maybe you could seek out a local support group?

I found that most people, although well meaning, often just couldn't relate or didn't know what to say.

The day of his funeral was a glorious sunny day. I remember looking up at the sky and asking why it wasn't raining. You can't have sun on a horrible day. I remember looking at people walking down the street and thinking "how can you go about your normal business? my father just died?". As much as I thought the world should just stop and acknowledge my pain, it didn't, so I had to stop and go off where I could find peace and comfort.

I wish that for you wild.

VL
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