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Oil Changing
Instructions for

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the
mileage reaches 3000 since the last
oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3)15 minutes later, write a check
and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money spent: $20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00

Oil Change
for Men:

1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and
write a check
for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter,
hand cleaner and a scented tree.

2) Discover that the used oil
container is full. Instead of taking it
back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump
in hole in back yard.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes
looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's
pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer
and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot
oil: get hot oil on you in process.

12) Clean up mess.

13) Have another beer while
watching oil drain.

14) Look for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; poke oil filter with
screwdriver and twist off.

16) Beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of
beer with him. Finish oil change

18) Next day, drag pan full of old
oil out from underneath car.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled
during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure
to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil
into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step

25) Hurry to find drain plug in
drain pan.

26) Discover that the used oil is
buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Uncover hole and sift for drain

29) Discover that first quart of fresh
oil is now on the floor.

30) Drink beer.

31) Slip with wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on

32) Bang head on floor boards in
reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
because wrench hit Miss December
(1992) in her overabundant chest.

35) Beer.

36) Clean up hands and forehead
and bandage as required to stop

37) Beer.

38) Beer.

39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

40) Beer.

41) Lower car from jack stands.

42) Accidentally crush one of the
jack stands.

43) Move car back to apply more
kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 23.

44) Beer.

45) Test drive car.

46) Get pulled over: arrested for
driving under the influence.

47) Car gets impounded.

48) Make bail: Get car from
impound yard.

Money spent: $50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
Total = $1350.00
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