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OK, So ... First Submission:

Hi. I'm interested in your job posting since it's closely proximate to me and, well, I'm desperate for steady income. And it was either respond to your ad or put the muzzle of this .38 Special in my mouth, so I chose the more onerous route of actually typing out a reply. (I've always had a macabre fascination with doing things the hard way...)

So... attached is my resume. I'm hoping you might look at it before I actually pull the trigger and the screeching girlfriend on the other side of the barricaded door convinces the cops to break it down. Write soon, K?

Hugs
.m.

PS: You obviously need professional help if you can't even spell "North" correctly. Don't worry: I'm there for you.
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