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Well, I figured out what some of the reason he found me was.

His wife is pregnant, and he's feeling guilty about being a sh*t when I was pregnant when we were together. I was 19 and he was 18, and he totally freaked, and I ended up getting an abortion.

He was apologizing, and looking for forgivness; which I was able to give him freely.

But, I found out other things that confuse the heck out of me.

The woman he's been married to for the majority of the past 11 years, isn't someone he's ever had intense feelings for. He says she's a "comfortable" house-hold companion, so-so in bed (which is not something I'd ever think he'd settle for) and stable and rational.

Now the last two are something he needs, and I applaud him for realizing that.

But, I thought the comfortable part was something that developed over time, after the passion of the initial love passed. Apparently the passion of the initial love was never there.

It surprises me that he would ever marry her in the first place.

I understand why he remarried her, I think. He had a two+ year relationship with someone that was as unstable as he was, and perhaps too passionate, which made him appreciate how stable the ex-wife was.

I was complaining about being lonley, like I do sometimes, and he was sounding like Odee, saying that he felt the same way only he was married.

*boggle*

Why marry or remarry if you're still going to be lonely?

He also says that he has to "squash" a large part of himself to be with her.

*boggle*

And he knew that going into it the second time.

Is it unreasonable of me to assume that in a committed relationship, the partners should bring out the best of each other, and don't let one another feel "squashed"?

I mean, he admits that he drinks too much, partly because of this squashing, but this is the relationship that he sought out this time.

Then, he claims to have searched the entire internet for me. He claims 100,000 pages. And if he typed in my name in any search engine, he might have come up with that many, it's a common name, I always get a ton of hits, none of which is me, when I look for myself (I just wanna see what's out there about me, you know?)

He's making peace with some of his past, and that's also helping me do the same, so to that end it's good.

But I'm more confused than ever.

Is passionate love scary, and a "comfortable house hold companion" love safe? Is that it?

WyneFool. prometheuss?

Ishtar
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Why marry or remarry if you're still going to be lonely?

He also says that he has to "squash" a large part of himself to be with her.

*boggle*

And he knew that going into it the second time.

Is it unreasonable of me to assume that in a committed relationship, the partners should bring out the best of each other, and don't let one another feel "squashed"?


I would say no. It seems that, much like being in a job you can't stand, you can't be in a marriage where you feel restricted rather than growing. Sure, you can put up with it for a while but in the end it's going to drive you nuts and you will pass that point where the pain of change is less than the pain of same and then things will hit the fan.

Leviathan (who's coming out of hiding)
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And if he typed in my name in any search engine, he might have come up with that many, it's a common name, I always get a ton of hits, none of which is me, when I look for myself

I don't think that's what they meant when the phrase 'finding yourself' was coined ;-)

Regards,
Prometheuss
(Peace and Love)


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I recently had a date (prior to the first date) google my full name (neither first nor last name is common, so it's pretty easy to find me) and come up with my web blog where I had mentioned him and how excited I was to be going out with him. Oops. He was a little freaked out, but all in all seemed to handle it well, and I resolved never to mention a date on there again until the relationship is well established!

We only had two dates, though, because after the second date he apparently met someone else and fell madly in like with her immediately. Cancelled our third date (and subsequent dates) by email. Coward.

Cassandra

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Is passionate love scary, and a "comfortable house hold companion" love safe? Is that it?

On some days the answer is a resounding YES! Passion is a relationship with a bi-polar who dosen't take meds. Sometimes higher and more fun and sometimes a bit depressing.
Actually, I've always thought of "passionate" as hot sweaty sex, and "comfortable" as holding hands watching the sun set over the beach. Sometimes comfortable started out as passion that now is embers that are still warm but not glowing.
Is there a passionate romance that continues over time? I do not know of any other than Liz and Richard. They were married, and not, and married and had that stormy love over quite a few years. I think that passion fades in a relationship and that old comfrorable takes over for most people.
One of the ways I had passion last was to change partners every few years. Some men just take on ancillary lovers, concubines, mistress(s) and the like. I married and was in longer term relationships when single. And yes, better educated women are more demanding, exciting and passionate...at least to me.

WF
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Actually, I've always thought of "passionate" as hot sweaty sex, and "comfortable" as holding hands watching the sun set over the beach. Sometimes comfortable started out as passion that now is embers that are still warm but not glowing.


I understand that, and that's what I would expect.

But, I don't know, when he described her, it sounded like HE thought he was settling. But she is what he chose, TWICE. I know he certainly had other women around he could have chose.

What bothers me more than the passion/comfortable thing (because, yes, I believe a marraige should be comfortable) is the "squashed" thing.

I think about him, and my ex-h and my mom's friend Lee, and this guy I used to work with, my father in his second marriage, and hey, even Odee, and I see men who have partners that not only don't share their interests, but "squash" their interests completely.

My father was a musician, played drums, keyboards and guitar. The guitar was his least favorite instrument. In the 5 years I lived in the same town with him and his second wife, I saw him touch the guitar twice, and there wasn't a keyboard or drumset around. Why? She didn't like it.

My ex-h used to go camping at least once a month. The woman he's with now doesn't like camping. He's been once in 10 years. He also liked the SCA (medival recreation) Again, he's been to one event in 10 years, because she didn't like a few of the people that were his friends there.

My mom's friend Lee was in the middle of a career change, away from the computer industry that he hated into something tv/film related. But, new wife got pregnant, so he kept working at job he hated for a few years to support her and kid. All right, that makes sense. But, he also had to stop sailing with his buddy (male) because she never wanted to go and wouldn't let him out of her sight. He can't discuss some of the intellectual/philosophical things that interest him with her, because she feels as though he's talking above her, she doesn't understand those things. Neither can he meet with friends to discuss these things, because then she calls his cell literally every 5-10 minutes while he's away.

But these men STAY in these relationships. They feel stifled, lonely, misunderstood, but they STAY.

And they run away from me.

I just don't GET it.

Ishtar
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But these men STAY in these relationships. They feel stifled, lonely, misunderstood, but they STAY.

And they run away from me.

I just don't GET it.


Maybe your love of 'freedom' is scary to them? You seem to be a free spirit which no man can tie down (figuratively). Some people want to be stifled/squashed without realizing it. Your ex-BF loved the freedom he had with you but wanted to settle down and finally start a family. He was willing to give up (settle) a lot for that set of strings. My hobby (wine silly, what were you thinking) is affectionately called my mistress by DW. I am allowed overnights with my mistress and DW although indulgent in the juice of the grape is not as interested. I attend conferences with other women as my escorts and there is no bitterness/harassment or negative feelings...as long as I pay my own way. I don't get it either... Perhaps a deep seated need to be needed/wanted (male ego)??? You, my dear don't need a man, you just want one for a few hours a week. True? How can any man accept that, an equal who does not need him.

anyway my $.02 now back to a (online class) work break.

WF
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you can't be in a marriage where you feel restricted rather than growing.

Absolutely.

cathy
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OK, let me expand on my previous post.

Much fuss is made about women who give things up for their men. This is seen as a sign of controlling.

Not as much fuss is made about men who gives things up for their women (except by their friends who never get to see them anymore). This is seen as an acceptable compromise to keep the relationship going.

Now I'm not sure where I was going with this. I did have a point. Something about trust and love and understanding, and a willingness to compromise on both sides in order to make the relationship stronger.

cathy
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I did have a point. Something about trust and love and understanding, and a willingness to compromise on both sides in order to make the relationship stronger

Cathy,

As I've said on many occasions, committment is easy, compromise is the hard part of the relationship. I think this is where/how many end. But, you are correct that BOTH sides need to do the compromising. One marriage I was in DW expected me to do all the compromising since she held economic power over me (she made 3 times my salary) and expected me to be her pet..

WF *sorry got angry thinking about the BFH
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