Message Font: Serif | Sans-Serif
 
No. of Recommendations: 0
Warning looong:

If you were talking to the spouse of someone you went to college with, how careful would you be in describing how well you knew the person you went to school with. What if you had a, well let's just say a bit of a reputation around said school? What would you say to the spouse of the former classmate?

Now, take that a step further. What if you didn't realize that the spouse you were talking to actually went to school with you, and is very well aware of your past?

It seems to me that there is a thin line between leaving out details and completely reinventing yourself. I ran into this situation over the weekend.

First, gotta love FB. It helps old friends reconnect and we all love seeing how each other's kids have grown up and some of us have grandkids now...okay fine, it's not necessarily all it's cracked up to be. When DH and I married, I dropped my maiden name and began to identify myself with first/middle/hubbys last name, and that's what identifies me on FB.

Here's where it gets fun: there was a girl I went to HS with who dated every single guy I went out with except DH. This was most likely because I ended up marrying DH, so she never got the chance. Her BFF was a young lady who was a year ahead of us in school. Let's just say "J" was worldly and quite knowledgeable when we were in college.

A couple of years ago, she sent DH a friend request. DH didn't remember her really well, as she graduated at the end of his freshman year, but she is good friends with several of his fraternity brothers, so he added her to the list. She's had some problems with a blended family over the past few years and DH has helped her with advice and resources to help her youngest get into college.

Last week she sent me a friend request. She was one of those people who knew everyone when we were in school. When she walked into a room, multiple people would always call her by name. Between the two of us, she was a standout and I was a wallflower.

So while talking about the Texas Honor Ride, she sent me a message asking about how it went, she wished she could have been there, etc, and I suggested that she come down next year and even if she didn't bring a bike, I was sure we could find someone who would be willing to let her ride behind them. She got really excited and said she would and she was marking the date on her calendar, etc. Then she typed something completely unnecessary:

"R was one of those people who helped pull me out of myself when I was so shy in college."

Really? The guy who was two years behind you, that you didn't even meet until the semester before you graduated and got married was the guy responsible for pulling you out of yourself?

I replied that I found it amazing* that she was so shy, given that she always seemed to poised and self-assured whenever I saw her.

The reply:

Me?? Oh no, I was so painfully shy I was scared of my own shadow!Wait, were you there?!? What was your maiden name?"

I told her. There was radio silence on the message window for a full 10 minutes. She then recovered her poise and told me she had no idea that we had even been dating back then, ha,ha, and what a lucky girl I was to have married DH.

Meanwhile, DH was reading this exchange with tears of laughter in his eyes.

Moral of the story: it's okay to just say "I went to school with your DH" There's no need to make it more of a connection than it actually was.


LWW
*attended finishing school
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 0
Not to say this is what happened, but here's an anecdote for you:

I was shy through school. Actually, I still am. You know me here and on FB so you (along with most people) would probably think I'm lying. Even xDH never believed me when I insisted I was shy.

In school, I tried very hard to fit in. I never really succeeded, but I did manage to get the attention of a bunch of guys. That's often the way that works out.

It's been years, and now through MS and FB I've been back in touch with many people I went to school with. They all remember me quite well, and thought of me as popular. People I *don't* remember from school have said they remember me. Evidently a lot of people liked me.

But that's not what I remember at all. I remember a skinny, ugly girl with glasses and braces who never had cool clothes (or even new clothes), who never had a group of friends around her, who never felt that anyone even noticed if she showed up or not, who never says what others think she should.

The glasses and braces are gone. I no longer think I'm ugly. I still don't have cool clothes (or even new clothes). I still don't think I'm popular. I still don't say the stuff people think I should say.
I still feel hurt but not surprised that almost nobody came to my 40th birthday party. Just my parents and two couples - one whose house it was, and her sister from next door. (Granted, it was pouring down rain. But that's only the second birthday party I've ever had. Why? Because no one showed up for the first one either.)

But I'm guessing you might describe me as popular. Others do. But I've seen popular. This isn't it.

Either popular doesn't mean what I think it does, or things aren't always what they appear to others.


Frydaze1
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 0
(((Frydaze)))) I totally would have come to your 40th if we'd lived near you!

I really do wish that was the case. Unfortunately, having actually known J during that time, I just don't get her totally unnecessary reponse to me. Especially the part about DH pulling her out of herself.

By the time DH got to college, she was already engaged to one of his fraternity brothers and he met her only a few times at parties and always with her fiance in tow. They just didn't have any quiet times of introspection.

He was actually kind of shy that first year and it took a while for him to loosen up a bit. He told me after we started dating that he noticed me in November, but he didn't work up the nerve to talk to me until February, after his roomate and I broke up.

LWW
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 0
(((Frydaze)))) I totally would have come to your 40th if we'd lived near you!

Thanks. :-)



I really do wish that was the case. Unfortunately, having actually known J during that time, I just don't get her totally unnecessary reponse to me. Especially the part about DH pulling her out of herself.

Yeah, she sounds delusional. lol


He was actually kind of shy that first year and it took a while for him to loosen up a bit. He told me after we started dating that he noticed me in November, but he didn't work up the nerve to talk to me until February, after his roomate and I broke up.

Glad he got around to it!

Frydaze1
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 1
I can see from the change in her tone that it would all seem to have been a bit of a deliberate attempt to deceive you. It may be perhaps that that long pause had nothing to do with the previous relationship with your sig, but rather she was wondering if you would know about various other fiascos in her past, or she was embarassed that she did not remember you. There may be several other factors, as well:

1. She may just be confused or was too stoned to remember who did what. My parents once told me that years later, a teacher I had never dealt with at all in high school took credit for "pulling me out of my shyness." Did she mix me up with someone else? Or was it a deliberate attempt to take credit?

2. It's all in the eye of the beholder. Some of the more "popular" kids may have a ton of insecurities underneath, and a small moment of kindness at a vulnerable moment could have had a big impact to her, but was such a small thing that he did not even register it.

3. It may have been an attempt to reassure you that she was not after your sig; "he was like a big brother to me" may be intended as "I have zero interest, don't look at me as a threat." I think some women do that to reassure others. I don't know if that is only if they get funny vibes, or it's people who have themselves had boyfriends targeted/stalked by previous acquaintences, or what, but I think it is not uncommon.

We are all revisionist to some degree about our past; no grownup introduces themselves by saying, "I used to eat my intranasal contents."
I would try to move past it, and be a bit watchful for other hints of sneakiness in the future.
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 0
Glad he got around to it!

You and me, both :0)

LWW
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 1
3. It may have been an attempt to reassure you that she was not after your sig; "he was like a big brother to me" may be intended as "I have zero interest, don't look at me as a threat." I think some women do that to reassure others. I don't know if that is only if they get funny vibes, or it's people who have themselves had boyfriends targeted/stalked by previous acquaintences, or what, but I think it is not uncommon.

Certainly a possibility. Yesterday, my second daughter was talking about how she views her relationship with her BF. She said that while she was not jealous and not worried that he would leave her for another girl, she made it known loud and clear that she was the "Alpha" and the others girls had by gosh better be showing some belly ;0)

LWW
Print the post Back To Top
No. of Recommendations: 0
I think i started out with a point, but i don;t know if i made it

I think you did. Like I said, I just didn't understand the need to fictionalize her relationship with my DH. Yes, they attended the same school for a semester or so, but she was already engaged to someone else by that time and it really doesn't matter. That was over 30 years ago and DH married me :0)

LWW
Print the post Back To Top