Jack MUST disclose within first 5-6 dates, whether he's asked or not.
No need for such early disclosure, unless asked "how many times?"
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Hey TomJet:I voted for no early disclosure needed.This because it simply ought not be necessary while the two people are just learning what is on the surface evident with each other. It is much more important to enjoy the early playfullness that is inherent in such developing friendships, & any overheated information can have that pesky tendency of taking the beautiful innocence of our nurturing relationships - deflate.If the two become more than casually interested in each other, then when it feels like such deeper information may be wise to share, do so with the sensitivitey that is due each persons dignity.If the other person has a red flag go up, it may be more of their own glitches emotionally than the male person in your example, openning up with honest intent.Thing is, getting the truth out there sooner than later can indeed undermine any disclosure problems up the road, & with the right peson will likely result in a true friendship with trust.That would appear to be way valuable for all of us, don't you think?
I voted against early disclosure, but it seems if you're talking about each other's life experiences, it would come up pretty naturally ("so, were you a party animal in your 20's? Yeah, except for those couple of years I was married"). Or, "how long were you married?" "Which time?" 2 divorces can be stigmatizing, but than can be defused with candidness and/or humor, if you can manage that. When you do feel it's the right time to mention it, it could also help to acknowledge that you're aware of the stereotypes, the stereotypes don't fit you, so you prefer to wait to feel comfortable with someone before bringing it up.Disclaimer: Since my first divorce, I haven't ever dated someone who didn't know my history already, so I never had to decide how and when to bring it up.cm
Jack was married in his early 20s. It was a green-card-and-run-to-city-hall situation: he and his then foreign gal (19 yrs. old) were infatuated with each other. U.S. immigration had tried to block her re-entry to the U.S. on one of her visits to Jack, so Jack and Martha got married. A few years later, amicably, they acknowledged it was not working and split. No kids.Any cash money involved in dat infatuation leading to green-card-and-run-to-city-hall situation, amicably splitting later gig? ;-)Just joking - no need to answer, even if you knew.
He was correct to disclose the info early on. That way he doesn't waste her time leading her on, and doesn't get more hurt later on when she toasts him. As soon as is possible the key facts that the other person would like to know should be dished namely: how many marriages or near misses, how long ago was the last relationship disaster, how likely is it that old partners will emerge to rekindle things, or the top three parting insults that were exchanged, any kids and preference to producing any more of them, sexually transmitted disease history, drugs - drink - smoking and serious medical stuff and what your relatives tend to die from, photos of your parents so that they can see just how hideous you will become in a few years time, what obsessive behaviour/interests you have internet porn gambling politics religion .. that will drive them barmywhat % of your time you are prepared to give to being in a relationship and how much will be diverted elsewhere to career sport friends/family ....a rough graph of your libido sketching your historic and predicted future levels,Ideally all this should be gotten out of the way pronto on the first date during say the soup course.PeppermintPig
No early disclosure unless asked point blank - if you really care about a potential mate you shouldn't lie, but "plausable deniability," is mainatained if you follow a, "don't ask, don't tell," policy. That can run counter to your mind when you're feeling that you care about someone. A VERY typically human response to, "hmmm, I'm feeling something for this person," is to tell them something revealing about yourself to see how they react. If they react poorly then at a subconcious level you've gotten the rejection out of the way before you put in a huge investment. PHEW! Not directed at you, this is really core human nature, and some are better at it than others. In dating when someone suddenly barfs out something that is revealing and negative about their past I read it as, "I'm liking you, and I want you to know who I am and was to see if you'll still accept me, so this is me trying to push you away when I really want you to be closer to me."The problem is sometimes the reveal can simply be too much to deal with. That is the case here. Very, very, VERY hard to overcome longer term when a person goes into that space. The counter-intuitive part is that if it was revealed later when the relationship was stronger and there was a deeper investment on both parties, the relationship would probably take the strain.Milligram46
Jack asked Martha if she wanted to ask him about it; she said, "No, I'm not like most girls." After this date no. 3, Jack's female pal told Jack "you have to tell Martha, 'twice.'" So, on date no. 4, Jack did so, telling Martha he did not want anything hidden between them. On date no. 5, Martha said to Jack, "you shouldn't have told me that you'd been married twice - you should've kept that secret." Martha's attitude toward Jack changed markedly, and they're seemingly on the rocks.See Jack be a whimp,Martha said shut it,So Jack ran to his female shrink,Whimp Jack, whimp.See Martha has class,And Jack has none,Martha now sees this,Done Jack, done.
JackWhy try to have someone judge you based on events in the past that do not necessarily reflect who you are today. You can discount the 1st marriage altogether (who has not done something foolhardy when they were in there twenties)(come to think of it age really has nothing to do with foolhardiness - see Kahuna's shallow response above)While the 2nd marriage may have some insight about you it also has an equal chance of saying you just happened to marry a biatch that could not stay faithfull. So you are under no obligation to vomit all your past events that you feel guilty (or some other negative emotion) about. Your past is your past and it seems to be holding you back (otherwise you would not have felt a need to divulge it). As soon as it is not a problem for you it will cease to be a problem for others, except for self centered a$#holes. So get it over it. Now for some unsolicited advice. 1. Do not and I mean do not ask your female friend for advice again. 2. ignore Kahuna warpoet
So you are under no obligation to vomit all your past events that you feel guilty (or some other negative emotion) about. Could not have said it better.
Jack is already a two time loser, why does he want to go for three? My view, Do it once, do it right, never do it again. That applies to CFA examinations, Bar Examinations, but especially to marriages, IMHO.Kahuna,CFA1) I'm really happy that you found the girl of your dreams many years ago and remained married.2) I'm really happy you have a lawyer daughter with her own practice.3) I'm really happy that you retired early and your indepedently wealthy.I am absolutely SICK of you rubbing these three points in everyone's face over and over and over and OVER again. I don't know why you aren't secure with your riches - if you were truly secure about them, you'd be more humble about it.Milligram461) Divorced because wife went insane2) Has child who is a special education student3) Not indepedently wealthy4) Aparently me, my child, and the fact I have to work makes me a loser...
M46 - I was wondering if I was the only one thinking he was overly impressed with himself. warpoetwho is happily married on his only marriage, which, I guess makes me a loser in waiting
1) Divorced because wife went insaneHow'd you manage that - I avoided this issue when my attorney asked. ;-)3) Not indepedently wealthy4) Aparently me, my child, and the fact I have to work makes me a loser...Don't life suck... for most of us? (Beats the alternative though... er, I think. ;-)
My view, Do it once, do it right, never do it again. With the notable exceptions being every single post you write on the Fool has a mention of OCS, your IRA, when you retired, or your daughter. Those can be stated once, twice, a million times.
I think he's just senile.
"how long were you married?" 20 some-odd years.....Happily?Which time?Which Decade?20 some-odd years to different people...Does it really make a difference?WF *any/all of the above depending on who's asking*
Holy Crap, this Jack really is Jack be Quick, Jack be Nibble...My hat's off to Jack...he fetches plenty of climaxes.UncleG
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