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This is going to be long, I know it now. I really need to vent & get some ideas on what to do, so, here go's....

I love my life now after so many years of bummers & bad choices. The depression devil still sits on my shoulders however, I am too content for the bugga to eat away at my soul anymore. The meds are still a daily routine and can't afford to stop taking those. I have tried but, ouch! ouch! ouch!.

My problem now is my partner, Mark.

For about 12 months now, he has been living in some kind of private hell and more recently, it has become more difficult for me to be around him.
He has been through my 'up's' & 'downs' over the past 6 years, being strong for me, now I find I can't really afford to be around 'anyone' with a negative attitude. Not for a great length of time, anyway.

He talks to me about his feelings, there is nothing hidden, however, most of it is directed at his needs from me that I can't give him.
He hardly ever smiles anymore; He voice never dances. It is 90% flat and tired; His aura is dull. He say's it's because he wants the 'old Kerri' back, the one that was vibrant & funny. The one that would explore different ideas & take on a challenge with tongue in cheek.

OK, many years of stress, day after day, month after month, year after year has taken a lot of 'Kerri' away but, I am also older and more settled these days.

I remember about 5 years ago how, when we were living together how I would bounce with spontaneity, rattling a joke off to him that I just read on the internet. I would dance around the living room whilst doing chores.

Dancing, Oh! YES!!! I remember those days. Mark can't dance, so what!?
I also remember going out somewhere on the weekends. I like to see a show, go to the movies, see a band, 'DANCE'.
Mark has no interest in these things and haven't been 'out' in about 5 years.

My phobias keep me confined most of the time although I do get a burst of feeling normal sometimes & yearn to get out and have a bit of fun.

The common place Mark & I have is, the internet & computers. I would really be lost without the Internet. Mark no longer shows any interest in that anymore.

Life's a bitch to him & he is also talking weird suicide talk. I can't handle that!!!!!!!! I CAN'T. I have already been through that crap with my ex. and will always be fighting the mental side from his 'hanging'.

Mark was always there for me when I tried to suicide. He is scaring the life out of me now.

I am the only person he can confide in, he says. I say "talk to your sister", "there are some things I can't help you with" especially when I feel to blame for the way he is today.

It doesn't matter what I say, anyway. He is so locked into this bad space, I can't pull him out.

The suggestions I give are ignored. I ask him to see a health professional. I say he may need some kind of depression medication. He says "I don't need pills!".
I say, "what do you need?" and we begin the whole circle again.

We don't make love anymore. Please tell me how to make love to such a sad person. I know men have their needs and Mark is very loyal to me but, I have become so frustrated with the lack of stimulation & fun to get me 'in the mood' that I have suggested we take another road in our relationship & explore other people. That freaks him out! He doesn't want anyone else to have me, although, quite honestly, I'm really not interested.

My inner self is glowing more & more these days, since being allocated my government housing. I don't think about what I have lost anymore, I look at what I have & feel very content. I can fight the anger now and stop feeling sorry for myself. Occationally, the dark side gets under my skin, but, nowhere near how it used to :o)

My daughter still hurts me, but heck!!! she is 19 now and lives too far away for me to fret over.

Anyway, I really don't know what to do about Mark. In a way I feel I owe him and, this can be true. I just don't know how!!!

His attitude rubs off on me & don't spend much time with him anymore. This makes him worse.

He has 'his' hobbies and I support that. He wants me to get involved with his 'fun' things, but we can be so opposite. He loves to go target shooting on Sunday. He owns about 6 hand guns, kept locked away in a safe. He is fully accredited & licenced.....this brings me to possibly the biggest bear bug I have with him, regarding a social life.
I asked him if he would like to go out for lunch. He can't afford it because he has to buy another freekin' gun, or, rifle.

My heart is confused.

Can you offer anything?

Thanks for listening and sorry about the length of this post.

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My heart is confused. Can you offer anything?

Can you take a little bit of brutal honesty?

I don't think you're confused. I think you know you want and need to end the relationship, but you feel guilty about it. You care about him, but that doesn't mean you're in love with him. Nothing in your post indicated it was a happy, healthy or productive relationship *for either of you*. Is it possible part of his depression is that on some level he too realizes the relationship is over?

You can end a relationship and not abandon the other person. There is an important distinction there. It does not have to be an all or nothing thing, and you do not have to completely stop talking to him (unless that's the best thing for YOU). You need to take care of yourself first, and frankly this relationship doesn't qualify as self care taking in my book.

On another note, there is a hotline you can call if you are concerned about him committing suicide. They will be able to help you. Please please please call this hotline if you think he's serious about suicide.

1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-784-2433

Remember at the same time though, that you're not responsible for his actions, behavior, or his mood! You hold your hand out, you can offer help, but you can't force it. Just do the best you can with what you have. Also, keep posting. We're here as support. You don't have to wait until you're ready to burst before you tell someone (your therapist, us, anyone) what's going on. You have to reach out in order for others to realize you need help... and it's most definitely okay to ask for help!

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Hi Kerri,

First, let me say that this post is a pleasant change from some of your previous postings to this board. You really sound like you're in control, you are being very realistic about your situation, and you really want to help Mark.

I hope you won't take what I said the wrong way. It's just that in the past, when you were really down and you came to this board for help, we could tell just from your words that things were out of control and you really needed help and support. This post is different, because the focus is not on 'what's wrong with Kerri', now the focus is on Mark and on your relationship with him.

I wish I had an answer for you. He hardly ever smiles anymore; He voice never dances. It is 90% flat and tired; His aura is dull.. I'm not going to tell you that he's depressed, as you already know that. And you know how difficult it is for someone who feels as he does to seek help.

As cruel as this may sound, have you considered giving him an ultimatum, either he sees a doctor or you leave? Many years ago I was like Mark, unable to enjoy life, unable to smile, unable to even talk about what was going on. What saved me was my DH, who had tried in so many ways to get thru to me, just like you are doing with Mark. He finally got to the point where he told me that he couldn't take it any more, and that if I didn't get help, he would have to leave.

It was a very difficult time for us, but after a complete physical and a few sessions with a psychiatrist, I was finally able to see that he was right, I did need more help that DH could give me. And now, like you, I know that I cannot survive without medication. I still have a lot of 'bad' days, but not nearly as many as I have had in the past. I guess there's something to be said for being older and more settled.

(((((((((((((((( Kerri )))))))))))))

Keep us posted,
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Can you take a little bit of brutal honesty?


Smurfette, I wouldn't want it any other way and thank you for your reply.

You are right. I feel this relationship, as it should be, ended a long time ago, in fact, I have suggested we would be healthier by remaining in a bond of friendship, letting go of the impossible.

We are actually, very close. When we felt 'in love' (me anyway) it was in desperate times when we both needed to feel it, clouding any termoil that pained us both at the time. This was over 6 years ago and the flame really didn't die until a year or so ago.

A year ago, maybe a little more, I moved out from our so-called, defacto relationship. It was strange really as we had our own bedrooms & independence. I needed him and his strong shoulders. I was vulnerable and so was he. Six years ago, we had both just come out of a very long relationship. I was married. We had been friends since 1995, so we weren't strangers.

He was my Computer Technician and we would talk for hours, with nurdy 'puter talk. My Husband would sigh with boredom and leave us alone. All, clean fun.

My Husband was a lot older than me and would rather watch Sport on TV than anything else. It is only now I can see a huge mistake I made when I left him. He is now dead, by his own hand and something I will live with for the rest of my life.

During Mark's & My relationship in the first few years, we moved to the Country to start a new life. It was intense with the distractions of both out teenage girls. His was 14yrs & mine 13yrs. The hormones were high as a kite. There was no respect, however, Mark & I survived the impact and thankfully, his daughter has become a beautiful human being.
My daughter left me to live with her biological father when she was 14. That hurt!

The past couple of years has been the calm after the storm. We suddenly had our own problems to deal with. Problems that had been clouded for so long, distracted by the kids.

To this day, I feel 'joined at the hip' with Mark but, chained as well.
We both have no desire to find another, life partner. Life has made both of us, too afraid. We know the devils within each other. We know our faults. Like I said before, I am dealing well, on my own. He, on the other hand needs support & reassurance, all the time. His self worth is low.

Because it is now He that feels vulnerable, I feel I must continue a charade. Put on the smiley face & try to bring him back to a smile. This makes me very exhausted & sometimes I must double my meds to cope.

Yes I care. I will never stop caring. I will always be there for him as he was/is for me. I just need a bit of fun too and I'm not getting any younger. I worry and running out of ideas on what to concoct to put into an injection to make things better. If I knew, I would get great pleasure in stabbing a hypodermic into his butt!!

I don't like to be alone but sometimes I feel comfort in it.

Mark's suicide talk does scare me and do take it seriously.
Once bitten, twice shy. I learnt a lot from my Husbands death.

Baby steps for now.

Thank you so much for your response. I have taken your words in andpiled them on mine. I am sure the future will sort out eventually.

Today has been a good day :o)


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Thank you so much. Yes, I AM getting my life together, it's just sad that I can only do it alone.

In the old days of posting was when I was full of self pity, walking the same road as Mark is now. I have you guys & Mark has me. Who really IS thelucky one? :o)

To this day, sometimes I go so dark & black, the rainbow disappears, it is best I sort myself out and pleased to say, have become very good at it.

The knowledge of just knowing I have a Forum to contact if times became too transparent, helps me beyond blue :o)

Your advice to give an ultimatum is my next step. I must rid myself of the IOU I feel toward Mark, first. Right up until a couple of years ago, Mark walked beside me thru the land of Hell & never abondoned me.

He was strong. I feel it was me, that weakened him.

I couldn't be happier for you and your DH, Peg. He obviously loves you very much. That just made me S*M*I*LE :o)

Actually, I smile a lot these days and would you believe it's my beautiful fur kids that do it!

Many years ago I would hear statements of how some people grow OLD alone with half a dozen cats & a Dog. I am now a proud humom of 3 cat's and an ol' dog in a small apartment. I don't feel old, I'm only 48. My heart attack last year opened my eyes to live with happiness, one day at a time.

Tomorrow is Sunday. Mark goes shooting and I usually cook him a decent meal. Tomorrow I am going to open a serious discussion, taking how I feel & what you people are helping me with, along.

At this point, I am going to encourage him to seek another companion.

I will let you know what happens


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You're pretty OK!


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Mark's suicide talk does scare me and do take it seriously.
Once bitten, twice shy. I learnt a lot from my Husbands death.
A long while back a strong young lady I know explained to me that suicide was one of the ultimate "hate" crimes... the perpetrator is gone, and leaves behind a trail of grieving people, asking all the unanswerable questions, filling with guilt, taking on the departed's guilt as their own...

One needs to accept the absolute fact that each of us are responsible for ourselves and our actions... you can help others, you can reach out, you can help them over rough times, you can sit and grieve and help with their down times, but ultimately they MUST take responsibility for themselves... when one feels obligated out of human compassion, as apparently you do, to take on another's failure to take responsibility for themselves, it must inevitably turn on the helper, ultimately pulling down both individuals if the helped refuses to be helped...

Finally, I think you have amply and aptly pinpointed the core issue that has loomed so large in your life for a while... as one of the other responses has already pointed out, you don't have to remain in the same lifeboat with Mark... you can separate your lives without giving him the "Goodbye Forever"...

What you CANNOT do is let his comments about suicide freeze you out of getting on with the rest of your life... even developing the relationship you want with your daughter, etc...
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