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Potter,My wife and I sympathize with your concerns. Our experiences are just one of many different examples. We were in a unique situation of expatriation at a time my long term friend of 47 years got cancer. We took him to the hospital when it was originally discovered while on vacation in Thailand with him, my wife is a Thai nurse. Being unemployed we moved in with him at his home in the US during all of his illness and death. We watched his family do nothing but try to get him to change his will and only visited one time during his illness. His pastor wanted donations to help the church to the point of threatening him that God will not look so favorably on him by turning his back to the needy. The pastor did not want us in the room while they talked. It was awful to see the vultures come out. What he needed was attention, care and love during an ungodly painful bout of Renal Cancer. Taking care of a friend that my parents, my brother and sister also considered part of our family slowly be taken from us was painful. To see how everyone was his friend because of his success in life and to abandon him when he was in the most need was hard but I also understood we all of other obligations to the living. I discovered a lot about people. Makes me wonder about your question as well. After my friends passing we relocated to Fl and my wife got a job at a high end assisted living facility and families abandon vastation after extended time. After all that and our thoughts on the matter it comes down to trust. We both think it is best to move into a home that makes it most accommodating to be cared for by others when the time comes. All one floor. No stairs in or out of the place of living. Large enough bathrooms that can be fitted for assisted use of toilette needs and bathing. This makes it easier for a care giver to do their job and also for the living spouse to help their partner. Become very active in the older communities as they all are in the same boat. Assisted living facilities are becoming so over priced more people can no longer afford so easily. They elderly groups are or can be great places for guidance, love, and great advice. My parents are 90, live at home and depend on these groups of friends for knowledge on how to make this remainder of time the most manageable. I will not let my parents go into a home my wife and are committed to move in with them at that stage. I retire in 40 days which makes this manageable. No matter the assisted care facility you go to the care is substandard to your liking. Avoid that at all cost. Trust.... people are people and find was to justify taking advantage of others. Live the best healthy life you can today. Refuse the care as long as possible. Pray you live longer than your spouse so you can take care of them in their time of need. Take care of others that are in the same needs you are worried about. See how they have prepared to learn from them of what you like and don't like. Caring for another in such times of need is so up lifting and most rewarding thing I have ever done. The passing also was the hardest experience of my life to try to get over. You will be ok.
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