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P.S. This is an excerpt of one of the lovely emails that she sent me last time I tried to step back and put up some boundaries.

You were proud of me when my life was flying in high gear. When I bite the dust, you don't want me at all and are very willing to ignore my existence. Leave the old lady on the shelf to rot - she might be an inconvenience. Would I be treated differently if I had cancer or was laying in a hospital full of tubes - or would that be the same?

It is so painful - if I want to phone <<my sister>> the risk that you may answer and you have made it very clear you only want 'rosy' news - not reality. You are NOT in touch at all with what is going on. because you don't want to be.

and then later
When you said that you want to emotionally support me, and then qualified it by saying you didn't want to hear about my negativity - it basically said you don't want to emotionally support me. My therapist says if I was NOT negative - given my present circumstances, that it would be an indicator of far more serious and long term psychiatic illness. ...That my negativity is a healthy sign of me tying to work through it.
later still
My therapist matter how painful the bad memories, and the panic attacks are, I have to allow the panic attack to sweep through my body without resistance ----if I am ever going to get better. That until I experience it completely - until the subconscious learns it doesn't need to do that to be 'heard' it will keep fighting my conscious thought. Which results in mental confusion, rage, depression, and intense anxiety.

I can't take this.

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