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I just happened to wander back over here from the LBYM board and came upon the suicide post. It immediately put me into tears even though I saw the later retraction. My guess is that there are others out there who have had or are having these thoughts. They may be too embarassed to post it here but I'll bet there are those who have contemplated suicide because of their financial situation.

It is possible some of you think it is ridiculous to contemplate suicide because "it is only money." But it can be so much more than that. There are all kinds of emotions wrapped up in big debt. There is a big difference between those who are just trying to get ahead by paying down your debt and those, like me, who have gotten sued and called names and tormented and still haven't found a way to pay the minimums. It feels hopeless. HOPE LESS. Not too long ago I had contemplated suicide. I could NOT see a way out. There are so many emotions tied up in serious debt. A good person feels they are now "bad." You can feel like a creep. You can feel like you have sunk lower that you ever thought you could sink. You can feel "why bother?"

I was in a very bad place not too long ago. I hated myself. I wanted to be treated differently by the creditors because illness had caused my problems. I didn't do it on purpose. I hadn't been irresponsible. I had no frivolous lifestyle to show for my debt. No cool clothes, no stereo system, nothing. I resented the crap out of it. I was very tired. It was more stressful to have these creeps calling and sending sherrifs in the middle of the night to sue me than it was being told I might croak.

But then I made a decision to be grateful. It was a very difficult decision and it did not come naturally. I had to force it. I have to force it every day. It is a decision to be grateful, not a feeling that just comes over me.

When I wake up with that creepy feeling, I just start talking to myself. Yes, I am in crushing debt. But I have two working hands and a great mind and I can get up and go to work to pay it off. I am thankful for that. A credit card guy was really disrepectful to me: Oh well, that's his job. On the flip side, my husband has been nothing but a rock through all this. How could I not be grateful for that? I won't get to travel for years: Life is made up of "little moments" anyway. There are alot of little moments in a day to "get away" that you can be grateful for. When I get into complete overwhelm, I just remind myself that this is not forever. I am grateful I have "freedom" to look forward to.

I look for things to be grateful for through the day. I have a home. The weather is beautiful today. My husband cooked me dinner. Could my dog act any cuter? The guy let me ahead of him in traffic. It is hard to feel hopeless when you are feeling grateful no matter how small the thing is that you are feeling grateful for.

How's this for hope? Six months ago I couldn't make my minimums. I had been sued twice. Could barely buy groceries. Very bleak. But we used our creativity (which I am grateful to have) and found a way to increase our means. My debt was $55,000 back than. It is now $40,000. We are due to be paid off by June of 2003. Not counting if one of us gets a raise or something. Here's something to look forward to: What will we possibly do with the "extra" $1,818 every month when this is all paid off?

There is always hope. ALWAYS.

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