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So last night I played the role of "Single Cool Guy". Armed with an all access pass (by that I mean it says Obama Campaign Staff even though I'm not) and a famous friend, I went party hopping. I would have loved to bring the wife along but apparently the FAA was determined to submit me to a fidelity test by cancelling her flight yesterday. Something about a "computer problem." Whatever.

Anyway, some of you may remember that I went to school with an actor named Josh Lucas (was Mauer back in the day.) He's big into activism. In fact his parents were big into protesting the nuke subs near where we grew up. So he and I hit the scene. Went to one that was surprisingly boring and empty. I was pretty surprised thinking that either people were burned out from Clinton Intoxication, or that political types just weren't cool. Then were heard. The Politico.com Party was the place to be.

So we walk in and security whisked us to the VIP area. Yeah.. that's how I role. In this hall is the strangest assortment of characters you will ever see. First thing I notice is Madeline Albright, swaying slightly to some hip-hop tune while talking to RZA from Wu Tang Clan and Rahm Emanuel (sp?). I felt immediately as though I'd fallen down the rabbit hole.

The whole place was like that. Political wonks, reporters (Dan Abrams is dressed by the Queer Eye guys I think) and celebrities. So while I people watched and was entertained by the 5,000 women who came to make eyes at Josh and look at me like "who the eff are you?" we played a game.

Actually it's something we've done since we were young dudes. Make up the most outrageous lie you can get away with when someone asks what you do. Obviously he can't play since everyone knows who he is... but we had a lot of fun on my end. Every wannabe, neverwillbe, or even the ones who have actually done something in Hollywood came over to say hello. Each sizing me up to figure out if I was worth pretending to like. It really is amazing how you can fill a room with people talking to each other with nobody really listening.

So back to the game. Last night I was Josh's butt double, the White House's first transexual intern, an astronaut, a Russian gymnast (this one had a bunch of people rolling and was his idea... there were cartwheels involved,) Daily Show correspondent Jewy McHeimerstein, hot dog cart apprentice (an old favorite,) and Congressmember Buger. The latter is Belgian and prounounced Booger.

And then came the test. Anne Hathaway came over to say hello. Before I go on, let me just say that she's on "the list." That being the list that my wife says is "ok" for me to sleep with thinking it's impossible I'd ever meet such a woman. But aha... here she is. Josh then introduces and says "this is the guy I was telling you about." Oh crap. That could mean anything. Turns out it was all innocent and she was just researching a role about Army wives and he said he knew a person to talk to. That said, she started to go into a surprisingly lucid and intelligent monologue about politics while I tried not to look like a creep staring at her breasts while I stared at her breasts. She asked about the war, home, the kids, yada yada, and then was on to more important people. After she was out of eye and ear shot I mentioned to him how smart she was and he gave the wink that means, like half of the women in Hollywood, she'd shared a bed. Bastard.

At that point I knew it was time to go home. That is the kind of place that' gets a dude into trouble. But then something funny happened, he was asking about the girls, my boat, if I'd been on any new trials and I realized. He missed home and even sounded a little jealous. One of those happy ending movies where the guy acts like a juvenile for 90% of the script until the end where he realizes how lucky he is for the simple life.

What a strange place this is. If you ever have the chance, go to a convention. It's like going to a party at Carville and Matalin's house... on acid.

Derek
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