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The Motley Fool today launched a new service. Fresh from the successful launch of The Motley Fool Radio Show Podcast, The Gardner Brothers announced today the new The Motley Fool Wireless Newswire, an RSS service that will continuously generate financial news headlines.

"Our goal", said Fool co-founder Dave Gardner, "is to reach back to an old time concept and give it a fresh, modern twist."

In keeping with their mission to enrich, educate and entertain, TMFWN will read like an old radio broadcast from last century, reading the news.

"We feel this is a great way to marry new media with old media," added brother Tom Gardner, "The TMFWN service will provide investors with the latest business information in a fun, retro-hip way that will enable them to make smart investing decisions."

Long a supporter of the try-it-before-you-buy-it concept, The Motley Fool offers the following inaugural transcript to help you decide whether you wish to subscribe to the new service.


00:00:00 - Good morning and welcome to The Motley Fool Wireless Newswire. I'm Andy Cross and here is the news. Cutting edge athletic wear manufacturer Under Armour will announce today a new line of clothing for space travel. Called Under Armour Spacewear, UAS will get a foot into the newly developing space tourism industry with a line designed to keep oxygen in while enabling the space tourist to move about outer space in comfort and with ease.

"This is a head to toe product line," explained Under Armour CEO Kevin Plank, "from the 360 degree viewing helmet to the barefoot style space shoes, UAS will ensure that customers are outfitted for wherever their EVA adventures take them. It just makes sense - we got our start making breathable sportswear. This is breathable spacewear."

Already intentional adventurer and billionaire Richard Branson has signed Under Armour Spacewear as the exclusive provider of space suits and orbital casual wear for Virgin Galactic, the biggest name in low earth orbit tourism, and NASA is said to be leading an effort with its international partners to name UAS as the official apparel maker for the International Space Station.

"Our real goal," said Plank, "is to get into the Russian and Chinese markets. After this year, they will be the only two countries still launching humans into space so naturally we'd like to get our foot into those hatches."

Under Armour has made its name through innovative design and grass roots marketing. Word is that after they conquer the heavens above, the company will turn its attention to the oceans below with Under Armour Aquatic. According to rumors, UAA will come with integrated artificial gills sewn into the armpits for the continual oxygenation of the water. Spokespersons from Nike and Champion did not return requests for comment.

It's 5 after the hour, this is the TMF Wireless Newswire.

00:07:00 - It's 7 after the hour and I am Robert Brokamp with your Retirement Report. Don't do it. That's what some elements of the political economists say is the solution to the ongoing problems with Social Security. Just work until you keel over.

"It was good enough for the Puritans long ago, it should be good enough for Americans today," said Scott Schedler, President of The Motley Fool, "what our nation is missing is a productivity work ethic. If we work the younger generation to their graves, we will be able to shore up the Social Security Trust fund to support us older workers in the luxurious retirement that was promised to us. Youngsters entering the work force today will not be able to complain since we won't be making any similar retirement promises. We've learned from our mistakes."

Schedler added that they have already instituted a 24 hr work policy at Fool HQ, based on the theory that it is always 5 O'clock somewhere.

"Sure we may see some turnover in our staffing," concluded Brokamp, "but we've taken steps to to handle this outflow by outsourcing our human resources department to Douglass & Day Undertakers."

In an unexpected show of support, labor unions have endorsed this concept as it would ensure continual employment of their membership. This is Robert Brokamp for the TMF Wireless Newswire.

00:11:00 - You are reading the TMF Wireless Newswire. I'm James' Early with news that pays dividends. Consumer lifestyle consumer products company Johnson & Johnson took a dive yesterday as the fallout from the Johnson vs. Johnson feud spilled out into the public. Dividend payouts were suspended after public records were released revealing the rift between the two Johnson's resulting in Johnson seeking a legal separation from Johnson.

We were first shocked a week ago to learn that Johnson had filed for divorce from Johnson and was seeking half of the company's assets plus 50% of future revenues as alimony. The greatest breakup in corporate history was further complicated when lawyers admitted to corporate family court judge Lawrence Greenberg they could not actually identify which was the Johnson they represented. Mediation attempts by President Barak Obama over beer in the Rose Garden were unsuccessful. It's 14 past the hour.

This is Jeff Fischer and I am here to tell you about a company that helps me keep things going, Flowserve. Flowserve is the liquid regulation company that keeps your pressure regulated. Don't get stopped up - call Flowserve and ask about being covered under one of their Pro contracts. Don't get gassed by uncontrolled movements. Let Flowserve pump you up. And be sure to seal in a great discount by telling them Jeff sent you. Remember, Flowserve lets the good times flow.

00:15:00 - It's 15 after the hour and this is Tim Hanson with a check of the International Desk. Today Dr. Reddy's Laboratories announced the summer tour of the Dr. Reddy Traveling Salvation Show. This generic show will target babies and old ladies as the good doc seeks to take advantage of recent changes to the American Health Care System by pushing low cost drugs to new markets. With sick children no longer excluded and enhancements to medicare, the Dr. Reddy's Traveling Salvation Show will cross the nation to spread the good word of medication. Hosted by Brother Love, the Traveling Salvation Show seeks to alter society's consciousness when it comes to addressing the growing trend of under-medication.

"For years the world has wondered how the Chinese government has managed to keep such a large population control," said Brother Love during a stop last August, "and the answer is pills!"

As a special incentive, seniors can get a 10% discount if they show up for the show with their doughnut hole. This is Tim Hanson. It's 19 past the hour.

00:19:00 - This is Phillip Durell with a TMF Wireless Newswire special report. The investing world was stunned today by the surprise announcement that the Oracle of Omaha was leaving Berkshire Hathaway for retirement and selling most of his shares to Bill Gates for a 49% stake in the new company, which would be renamed Berkshire Microway.

"Bill has been down on his luck lately with Microsoft not getting the bounce out of Windows 7 he had hoped for and frankly, Bing just ain't no Google," Warren Buffet said, "I felt kind of bad for him because he's a really great guy for a geek, and I figured he would do something good with the company. Besides, Charlie (Munger) has been clawing at the top spot for years and Bill agreed to keep him on."

When asked what he was going to do with this third act in his life, Buffett said he was taking his earnings, after taxes, and buying Haiti.

"It really needs so much work (after the earthquake) and I just don't trust the UN to do it right. So I am going to take over and rebuild the country into a modern tourist mecca and textile center. After I die, I am going to bequeath the land back to the people, but in the meantime, I am going to lay out on the beach and relax."

Buffet said that international companies would have an equal chance at winning reconstruction contracts, although many expect Berkshire connected companies to have an inside track. In a further surprise, Buffet also said that he was going to kick off his retirement by inviting former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sara Palin to join him in his private Haiti retreat for the summer.

Said Buffet, "I like tea and she likes to party. I still have a lot of living to do."

This is Phil Durrell for TMF Wireless Newswire. It's 25 past the hour.

00:25:00 - This is Jim and Jeff, your option guys. Are you tied of your puts getting rolled over into covered synthetics? Are you bulls running long across your diagonal puts? Don't get your synthetic shorts in a knot - tune into the Jim & Jeff show and learn the nuts and bolts of straddles, strangles and implied volatility. Learn how to take LEAPS with naked contracts and have a good chuckle as you learn how to spread your deltas and keep your Greeks rolling forward. Remember, what goes up must come down, and spinningwood explains all without a frown. It's the Jim & Jeff show, driving the auto into options.

00:28:00 - It's 28 minutes after the hour and this is Ron Gross with the TMF Wireless Service. The TMF Million Dollar Portfolio was wracked with scandal today after accusations by a unified front of TMF premium service advisers that MDP was poaching their work.

"We do all the leg work," complained Hidden Gems adviser Seth Jayson, "then they steal the recommendation and run with it."

Jayson also complained that his service was only funded at a quarter of the amount of that with which MDP started.

"It doesn't matter that that they went and lost it all," added Global Gains adviser Nate Parmalee, "the point is they take are recommendations, invest them foolishly, and then point the finger back and us, saying we were wrong."

MDP advisers dismissed the accusations as baseless, saying they reanalyzed all the companies recommended by the "kiddie" services and passed on only the adult ones to their own subscribers. Outside analysts say that originally MDP pulled not only recommendations but subscribers away from the other premium services, but after MDP's ill advised investment in SPY, many returned to their home portfolios with tales of horror.

"One guy keeps quoting from the same book over and over while another treats the discussion boards as their own personal blog, writing incessantly about his romantic efforts to woo his wife by buying Blue Nile jewelry," said one former subscriber whose name is being withheld in case TMF one day reopens the service to new and returning members, "It is completely dysfunctional. Newbies can barely get in the door before being welcomed by this acid rain guy."

For now, however, it does not look like anything is going to change. Self-appointed MDP spokesperson TMFHumbleServant, who operates under a secret identity to avoid his brother's laser-like gaze, said the MDP portfolio is recovering slowly and they meant for the portfolio to go through this roller coaster as an object lesson in portfolio management. Parmalee and Jayson aren't buying it and plan to continue their protest.

It's 33 past the hour.

00:35:00 - It's 35 past the hour and you are reading TMF Wireless Newswire. I am Rick Munarriz with a sports update. The Rule Breaker Challenge is well under way and this six month endurance investing contest has held its share of surprises. TMFBReakerDave started out in the lead. But DrBojangles leapfroged to the top spot as BreakerDave dropped like a lead brick. HaveFunSaving rose a few notches while Sara Glen kept the basement warm.

Right now it's a neck neck battle between TMFBreakerRob and TMFBreakerAllen who is riding a wave. He Could. Go. All. The. Way! He passes jg919. He passes 1dms. He passes bkramerfool. Its TMF BreakerAllen and SageWren neck and neck to the trade deadline, SageWren and TMFBreakerAllen! At the midway point of the Rule Breaker Challenge, its TMFBreakerAllen by a nose with a 26 point lead.

It's 38 past the hour.

Has your portfolio been flooded by bad investment advice? Have your gains been badly burned by a market fire sale? Then you need to call the professionals at TMF Pro. Jeff Fischer and the Motley Fool Pro team are here to help you build wealth with the best investment advice they can provide. Are your accounts getting moldy in the basement? Are pidgeons dropping poop on your portfolio? Turn to the Pros with Motley Fool Pro. They can help you repair even the most difficult damage and make your investments seem brand new. They eve offer a 30 day warrantee, but call now because space is limited and only a few customers can get an appointment during the enrollment period.

00:41:00 - It's 41 past the hour and I am Shannon Zimmerman with a TMF Wireless Newswire editorial. Investing should be boring. Forget buy and sell, its buy and hold that is the investing strategy that will earn you big bucks down the road. Don't be a trader. It's not if you snooze you lose. Scientists have proven that the human body grows while you sleep and when you let your portfolio rest, it will grow before your very eyes. But that doesn't mean that your Ready-Made portfolio should be ignored. Every now and then it is time to turn over and keep your positions comfortably aligned. With minimal effort, you too can become a Millionaire.

00:45:00 - Tom Jacobs here with some exciting news. Are your companies down and out? Is the market keeping you down? Are your gains suppressed? You may need a visit from the Motley Fool Special Operations Force. We can't tell you who they are or what they do (or we would have to kill you) but these capital commandos are trained to look for the the silver lining in your corporate clouds. You too can hit pay dirt when the investments the market has left behind turn around and beat back the nabbering nabob of naysayers. Like the ugly duckling, not every broken company is quacked. Every retirement portfolio needs a little revolution now and then. So call the A-Team of investing and watch your plan come together.

00:49:00 - It's 49 past the hour and I'm Tom Gardner with some game changing news. Apple Computer launched an all out marketing war against Microsoft today by purchasing all ads on Google for the next 10 years. Flush with the success of its iPad, analysts have speculated what Apple would do with the piles of cash the company has been accumulating for the last decade. And while many hoped for a quarterly dividend, Apple instead moved to bury Microsoft once and for all. Now, whatever you search for, the results come up rosy, shiny Apple. Search phones, get Apple. Search computers, get Apple. Search music, get Apple. Search music, movies or television, get Apple.

Microsoft representatives denied being worried, describing the action as a nutty move by a fruity company. However, Microsoft executives were conspicuously sweating even as they pretended their world wasn't coming to an end. Pointing to all the free marketing Apple gets when companies promote their new iPhone apps, Microsoft predicted am Apple backlash.

"We know something about trying to take over the world one desktop and server at a time," said Microsoft's Steve Balmer, "And it just doesn't work. The international governments keep pecking at you like gnats, forcing you to retreat. Besides, we have been working on this new technology called Bing and after it is completed and the first couple of patches released, customers will prefer to perform their Googles with Bing instead."

Balmer further expressed confidence that Bing 2.0 out search Google when it finally gets here. Google co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin could not be reached for comment. Spokespersons said they were currently vacationing with Warren Buffet in Haiti. It's 3 minutes before the hour.

00:55:00 - Finally, there has long been rumor of a shadowy exclusive omnipresent organization called Duke Street that can be everywhere and see everything in the Foolish empire. The Gardner brothers categorically deny such an entity exists, attributing such claims as evidence that Fool HQ is haunted by the ghost of Bill Mann.

"If such an animal did exist, it would really CAPS our suite of services," said Shannon Zimmerman, who claimed to have no time to run another premium service besides Ready Made Millionaire, "That portfolio takes all my waking moments. I even had to hand Champion Funds over to Robert's Rules of Retirement I was so busy.

However, off the record, Zimmerman says the next Duke Street meet & greet will be in Atlanta, GA this summer. Y'all come down south now, ya year!

00:59:00 - It's 59 after the hour. Have a Foolish Day!


To subscribe to The Motley Fool Wireless Newswire service, go to or contact Jill Ralph at

Who disclaims that the above is meant as satire and as such any events described are works of fiction and any relation to real persons, places or things is purely coincidental...
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