The guy had taken his girl out wining and dining; coming home in thecar he stops in a lay-by and gets stuck in snogging and feeling between her legs. 'Stop it,' she says, 'I want to remain a virgin until I marry.' 'Then how about a b***-j**?' 'Ugh, I'm not putting that thing in my mouth.' 'Then how about a hand job? 'Ok. How do I do that?' 'Remember,' says the guy. 'When you had a Coke bottle and you shook it and sprayed your friends?' 'Oh, yeah.' 'It's the same, but much gentler.' Later the guy is foaming at the mouth, gets red in the face andscreams. 'What's wrong?' The girl asks. 'TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF THE TOP.'
girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment andimmediately she suggests that they do "69" "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced she tries to explain, "I put my headbetween your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about but not wanting to ruin themoment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again and once more she lets one loose.The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,you're crazy!
One day as confessions were on in church the priest comes out ofthe confession box and asks the young man sweeping the floor to actas a priest for a minutes as he really needs to relieve himself. Thepriest tells him there is a chart of penance on the wall inside, so theyoung man agrees. The first person enters to confess and says "Forgive me father for Ihave sinned. I stole some food from the supermarket." "You will beforgiven",replies the young man. He looks at the chart and says "10Hail Mary's for your sins." The second person enters to confess and says "Forgive me father. Ilied to my mother yesterday" The young man looks for lying on thechart and says "You will be forgiven. Say 20 Hail Mary's for yoursins." The third person then enters and says "Forgive me father for I havesinned. The postman called in last week and I gave him a b***-j**."The young man looks at the chart but doesn't see bl*w-j*b on it. Heopens the door and calls over one of the alter boys. "What does thepriest give for blowjobs?" he asks. The young boy replies "A can ofcoke and a mars bar"
Three Southern Belles are sitting on thier porch on a hot night reminiscing. Quite out of the blue one says "Hey, Miss Bella, you know when you make lurv, have you got a name for your man?" "Mmm Mmm why I sure have, I calls him mississippi, cos when he makes lurv he does it real slow real sure just like the ol' Mississippi" "Hey Miss Ellie, have you got a name for your man?" "Yessirree" she replies. "Calls my man Colarado cos when he make lurv, he is sure rough, fast and eager, just like the river colarado" Finally, Miss Mary is asked the same question. "Well I do and I calls him my Southern Comfort" "Southern Comfort?" the other two exclaim. "Why ain't that a strange name. Say, isn't that some kind of fancy liquor?" With a glint in her eye, Miss Mary declares "Mmm Mmm Mmm, it sure is honey, it sure is"
This bloke rings home from a phone box at the airport. "Hello son, its your dad here, put your Mam on" he says as a little boy's voice answers the phone. "Oh, she's in bed with uncle dave, they always go to bed of an afternoon I have to make myself scarce" was the reply. "Well f**k me! Here I am slogging my guts out on them f**king rigs sending her £500 quid a week and as soon as I'm gone she's in bed with my brother. Here son you go tell her that your dad's coming up the street with his bags and shit and see what she does, ive got a few quid in change I'll give you". "Alright, back in a mo" says the little boy. A few minutes later he comes back and says "Eeh it were f**king funny that dad, I told her what you said and you should have seen uncle Dave! He jumped out of bed and out the window, but it slammed shut and caught his leg and he fell into your cabbages and i hope your not planning on taking them to show this year cos he squashed 'em. He got up and he ran out on to them railway lines and an intercity 125 hit 'im and spread him all over next doors garden" "What did your Mam say?" the bloke asked. "Well she flew out the door, down the stairs, I've never seen a hairy fanny before dad, in to the back yard and she slipped on me skateboard and hit her head on a brick and landed in the swimming pool......and shes face down.....shes not moving...I think I've killed her" "Hang on....." says the man, "Swimming pool?? is this Doncaster 706341?????"
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