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This post and the replies sent me on a quick mental journey to when I first came here, a green 26 year old office dweller who thought he had the world figured out. Boy was I wrong. I had only begun to imagine the devious ways they would come up with to mess with us over the next 20 years. The worst of these by far is the self goal/evaluation process.

It's like one day the managers all got together bitching about how hard it is to be managers, and one of them said, "let's see if we can get the rubes to do our work for us!"

And they did.

While I do loathing this, I have naturally come up with a method that seems to work for me. It's a 3 pronged approach:

1) I only list things that I am already doing. My actually boss is 2000 miles away, and my on site boss has no idea what I do. So I basically pick 3 things a year that I am already doing, and start with those.

2) Next, I have to find a way to make this measurable. I can't just say "process this thing that is part of my job to process." They won't go for that. What they love is something that solves a problem. So I start by explaining what an industry killer this thing is and how not tackling this problem will surely bring about the White Walkers, Pennywise the Clown, and a new Taylor Swift album. So what I will do is outline the problem with this thing, such as "we are currently only performing at 60% of x" where i have some old examples of us doing 60% of X. I leave out the info that we are already up to 85%, and 95% is on the horizon even I just napped for the rest of the year. This makes the goal measurable. Managers love metrics almost as much as they love tormenting underlings.

3) I sprinkle in words. Really the best words. All the bigly words. I know so many. I pull them from emails I've seem from bigly managers (terms like "unpack, waterfall," etc are hot right now), and I use them liberally. I also throw in some BS Bingo jargon from time to time. I basically want my goal to look like more than 2 lines of text that I labored over for more than an hour while wondering if suicide really is the cowards way out.

So that is my approach. No one has said anything negative about it in the 6 years I've done it, at 2 companies.

I actually have to tackle this tomorrow. I'm bringing razors, just in case.
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