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When should I apprise him of the fact I am 1) going out of town for 4 days (and where his children can be reached during that time) and 2) I am getting married?

A part of me wants to tell him #1 the day before I am leaving and #2 when I get back, but I'm not sure that's really the nice thing to do.


There's been a lot of discussion before I got here, and most of the points I think are important have been touched on. IMO, the important considerations are,

1. DN's known propensity to sabotage your plans,
2. The ethical considerations of not wanting to lie,
3. What the marriage means for your kids, and
4. (last place) Social conventions of etiquette.

What you decide needs to take all this into consideration. The way I see it, DN's past behavior gives him no social right to know *anything* about your life in advance that doesn't directly affect when he has the kids.

Ethically, you don't want to lie to DN; but that doesn't mean you need to tell him everything.

The kids are going to need to know about the wedding, and I think it's a little unusual that your kids wouldn't be at the wedding; but it's your life and your wedding to run as you see fit. Things being as they are, maybe you want to let the kids know before you leave but after there's any chance DN will have them before you come back; or perhaps you will decide not to tell the kids till you get back. If I were in your position, I'd spend a lot more time worrying about when to tell the kids than about when to tell DN.

As far as social etiquette, DN doesn't deserve any more notice than a casual acquaintance does.

After considering this, my advice would be to tell DN #1 the day before you leave, and tell him #2 via the same mailed announcement you send to everyone else. You could also mention it the first time you talk to DN after you get back, but I don't think you need to communicate with DN for the sole purpose of telling him you got married, other than the mailed announcement.

Now go ponder the best way to break the news to the kids, who merit a lot more consideration than DN does.

Patzer
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