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...where else to ask.

Maybe here:

...feel like I'm getting scolded ...some folks are implying that I am forcing something down DS's throat because I haven't mentioned this to him, but ... I see no reason to spin him up for something that might not happen...

Sorry for the scold (guilty). But as far as forcing, I never suspected you'd proceed if DS objected, only that (1) if he objected after you found something to your liking, that would be more of your time spent than if he had objected earlier in the process, (2) given his proposed future involvement, earlier involvement in the brainstorming process might be useful, and (3) shared homeownership and/or renting from relatives might introduce boundary issues. However, this isn't the Parenting board, I don't have the whole story, and from what I do know you've done spectacularly well so far, so I'll just shut up now.

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